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Old 07-20-2020, 06:55 AM   #135
Galadriel55
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Location: The realm of forgotten words
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huinesoron View Post
Do not call me "king", it's a foregone title. > I've forsworn that title? A bit more oathiness, and a bit more agency for Finrod (he gave it up; it wasn't just lost.)
Yeah, that makes sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
Okay, that nest line... eesh. How about this?

Driving me forth like a bird not yet ready to fledge.

The following line... well, I can't get it to scan, but I don't think castaway fits anyway. It only rhymes with 'way', right? Could we switch the first line back to 'down this road and go for something like:

For the Oath's sake I was cast out, braving the Sea and bitter Cold?
Lol, eesh exactly. Your bird line is so much better. And I like the other two as well (though I feel like your version of "for the Oath's sake" is missing syllables - but is easier to pronounce for that, no tongue twisting). Both taken without questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
There are other options for 'will' - 'choice' is another big one. I really liked 'charge' as a direct synonym for duty, but it sounds too much like 'charge into battle'.
I don't think I like "charge", both for the reason you have, and because it's shade of obligation is not quite the same, if that makes sense. "Will" sounds more like Finrod decided and this is his final say on the matter, while "Choice" emphasizes that he has options and keeps choosing to continue to go on with Beren. Since we've deviated from the text a bit here, I'm not sure what Finrod should be like exactly. I will try "choice" for sound, and also because if we're going with the emphasis of "this is ME, not the OATH!', "choice" does that better. On the other hand, "Will" has a better emphasis of "I know I'm going against the Oath but that's my decision to make". How is ONE WORD so complicated?

Quote:
Either 'ashes' or 'ruins' works.
Was Alqualonde ever burned? The Russian has "ashes", but I couldn't recall any burning to parallel that. Unless it's not actually Alqualonde they mean but Feanor's ship bonfire party, but I don't think so, and it would be out of chronicity. I like the sound of "ashes" but at the same time I want it to stick to the canon, because "ruin" is also perfectly fine here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
Can we do domain instead of terrain? And is the Russian line closer to 'But nothing' or 'For (=because) nothing has been in vain'?
Yes, and either (they just say "nothing happens in vain", no conjunction specified, both interpretations possible). "But" makes it sound like all of the above things have lead him to his next uplifting stanza, including his repressed heartache. "For" makes it sound like he's not grieving for these things because he knows they have not been in vain, which I think misses the point of the long heartache (which he very much had until this very song). I think the heartache is the personal price he paid for his choice to follow the Noldor (honestly though, I feel that there would have been a worm eating at his conscience either way, he could not have chosen "well" for himself), and I wouldn't dismiss it for the other option of "my heart is not grieving NOW because you made me all happy again". But again, that is my preference, both interpretations are there in both languages, so if there's an argument in favour of the other it could change.

I wonder now if the "heart" line should be changed as well if "But" prevails, just to keep the two interpretations separately. "And heart that CAN no longer grieve what's done" also scans, and has a stronger "heartache" connotation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
For the final echo, I have no comments, because I like it as it is.
I get to keep "Untrembling"? Yay!
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You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

Last edited by Galadriel55; 07-20-2020 at 06:58 AM.
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