View Single Post
Old 07-12-2020, 02:04 PM   #77
Galadriel55
Blossom of Dwimordene
 
Galadriel55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
Posts: 10,299
Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
The less cool half of the Epilogue

In the hour when slumber calls
And the cloak of Night dulls the air
I don’t see these stone-carven walls
For I know that he is not there.

Tell me, my Heart, tell me the truth
Why do you at this hour weep?
Where lies he in his mortal [deathly?] sleep?
Why did my fair brother tall,
Who'd forgiven all,
With the sunset fall?
[Why did my fair brother go
Many years ago
Into sunset glow?] <-- sounds better but sacrifices the element of his forgiveness
Did he reach a final accord
In the daunting struggle with fate?
What left he behind in his wake
In this young and imperfect world?

An ancient Oath that brings ruin to who holds it fast.
An ancient glory and courage of kings of the past.
An ancient pride that lives on in those who see not grief nor trials vast -
But stronger is time.
No more, brother mine,
Of looking behind:
There is no going backward -!
[I switched around the rhyming scheme in this stanza, technically "vast" and "time" should swap rhymes. But I think it still checks]

This half is a bit of a cheat because it draws on 3 previous songs, all of which are conveniently translated already. However, overall, I think this is probably the poorest of my creations so far. This needs a bit of stylistic decoration, a bit more linguistic lace or something. It sounds bare-boned, it's not touching, it's not vivid.

Now comes the challenge of how to translate the Nam/Vam part. Ours/Yours - and leave the rest in noun form (Ours - the departing ships, Yours - the remaining world etc)? We/You - and change the sentence to verb-form ("we to leave, you to stay etc)? In Russian there are both kinds of phrases, but they all begin with the same "for us/you", which doesn't work in English. I will have to think on that.


I am trying a taster of the first Nam/Vam stanza, as it contains both a niun phrase and a verb phrase in the original.

Ours - the harbours of the sky-borne ships
Yours - the vastness of the universe

Vs

We - to sail from quays on sky-borne ships
You - to cross the vast and dazzling world


I think I like the first one better, with nouns. But I would like your opinion on this before I dive in. I realize we've swapped places now, you're the busy one while I managed to post a million things. But when you have a moment, I would appreciate your thoughts.

^Edit: apparently I mixed up the stanzas while working from memory, the second line is from a different verse. But the point stands.
__________________
You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

Last edited by Galadriel55; 07-12-2020 at 03:24 PM.
Galadriel55 is offline   Reply With Quote