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Old 07-11-2020, 09:25 AM   #60
Huinesoron
Overshadowed Eagle
 
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: The north-west of the Old World, east of the Sea
Posts: 3,778
Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.
I banished her once, but by Eru's grace
I had never known her touch!


to

I banished her once, but in Eru's Name
I knew not what I had done!


With the rhyming line at the end changing to:

That she follows you, wants you for her own?

That final berries line I think can just be:

The taste of rowan-berries bright (dropping the And)

For Beren, how about this:

Death at my back, ever watching
Needed me still alive - for what?
Company turning to mud, fading
Mud in the swamps of our woods - all lost


I don't know that it's supposed to rhyme at all (perhaps it does in a Dorthonion accent), but I figured an ABAB wouldn't go amiss.

I've also gone ahead and changed Luthien's line in the Duel to "Love is the only Oath that counts", because... why wouldn't I?

(Looking back over my last post, I should probably note that my big sigh was at myself and ThugBeren, not you!)

hS
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