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Old 11-09-2004, 08:44 PM   #222
The Saucepan Man
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: A green and pleasant land
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The Saucepan Man has been trapped in the Barrow!
The Eye

With every day that had passed since the Goodship Entish Surprise had set sail from Mithfortune, Soregum’s misery had increased. When he wasn’t being hauled unceremoniously from the water, he was fully occupied studiously emptying the contents of his stomach into the sea. Which, quite apart from being a shameful waste of perfectly good food, was particularly unsettling on the frequent occasions when the high wind swiftly reacquainted him with said contents.

Better out than in!

Soregum recalled the words of his old Duffer and cursed the senile old twerp for his trite homilies as yet another partially digested helping of salted beef and diced carrots made a break for freedom. Had he not been so indisposed, he might have reflected on the fact that the ship’s stores were utterly devoid of carrots, diced or otherwise.

After a few days, however, (and to Soregum’s great relief) the winds finally died down and the turbulent waves subsided. The ship sat becalmed amidst the peaceful ocean, still and serene. The midday sun glinted on its gently undulating surface, giving it the appearance of a great blue cloth bejewelled with a thousand bright diamonds. As Merisu and the ship’s officers fretted at the delay occasioned by the lack of breeze, Soregum stood on the deck and took in great lungfuls of the fresh salty air, tempered with the acrid smoke of his favourite pipeweed.

All was peaceful, save for the occasional cry of a seabird on the wing and the gentle murmur of Kuruharan, seated to the aft, counting his doubloons and muttering “Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight!” to himself. As Soregum surveyed the wide expanse before him, there came another soft sound: a swish, followed by a plop, as if a fish had disturbed the still surface of the water. Turning his head, Soregum saw ripples widening outwards from a point some fifty feet ahead of the boat. But he thought no more of it as Orogarn Two and Pimpiowyn joined him on the deck.

“It’s a fine day, little one,” ventured Orogarn Two.

Soregum’s irritation at the Grundorian’s insistence on calling him “little one”, was soothed by his delight at Pimpi’s presence. Idly, Orogarn Two stooped and picking up a large stone he cast it wide into the surrounding water. The stone vanished with a soft slap; but at the same instant there was a swish and a bubble. Great rippling rings formed on the surface out where the stone had fallen, and they moved slowly towards the bow of the ship.

“Why did you do that Orogarn?” said Soregum. “I am troubled by the ocean. Don’t disturb it!”

“Two”, replied the Grundorian automatically, wondering what a large stone was doing on board a ship.

“I wish we could reach Valleyum,” sighed Pimpi. “I’m getting fed up with ship’s provisions.”

Some of the crew seated nearby, a group of Elvish sailors, suddenly struck up an old sea shanty. The song spoke of their wistful yearning for the Western realm and the companions listened in wonder at their pleasing close harmonies.

Topfloorien girls are hip
I really dig those styles they wear
And the Workmud girls with their party punch
It knocks me out when I'm down there

The Mid-Mire farmer's daughters
Really make you feel your height
And the Dwarven girls with their braided beards
They keep their gold hoards warm at night

I wish they all could be Valleyfornia
I wish they all could be Valleyfornia
I wish they all could be Valleyfornia girls

The West realm has the lamp lights
And the girls all get so tanned
I dig a squid bikini on Calamari dolls
By a Mallorn tree in the sand

I've been all around this Muddled-mirth
And I’ve seen all kinds of girls
Yeah, but I can't wait to sail the ancient road
To find the cutest girls in the world

I wish they all could be Valleyfornia
I wish they all could be Valleyfornia
I wish they all could be Valleyfornia girls


The companions were reflecting on the poignant longing expressed in the words of the song and the wondrous picture painted of the land for which they were bound when suddenly, without warning, Kuruharan sprang into the air with a cry, his doubloons scattering. The cause of his impromptu launch was immediately apparent. A long sinuous tentacle had emerged from the water and, wrapping itself round his leg, had hauled him from the deck. A second tentacle, pale-green and luminous and wet, curled itself around Pimpi’s waist and lifted her too into the air.

“Help!” cried Pimpi “Help me!”

“My doubloons!” wailed Kuruharan as they rolled and bounced across the deck and into the water.

Soregum’s reaction was immediate. Without hesitation, and with no thought as to the consequences, he promptly dived under the nearest cover.

Vogonwë, hearing Pimpi’s cry, rushed out on to the deck and, drawing an arrow from his quiver, swiftly hurled it at the offending limb. But the missile bounced harmlessly off its tough rubbery surface. Orogarn Two’s sword flew across the deck as it too rebounded from the tentacle which held Kuruharan.

An immense shape, as large as the ship, emerged from the water. Two blood red eyes, deep as the ocean itself, peered out from a mass of writhing tentacles: eight in number. Beneath the tentacles, a fearsome beaked maw, framed by a thick growth of seaweed, opened and closed as the great beast drew the hapless captives towards it.

“Where’s that confounded Dragon when I need him,” grumbled Kuruharan, cursing Chrysophylax for having chosen this moment to go hunting and rummaging in his knapsack for something which might avail his predicament.

“Help me, Vogie,” screamed Pimpi, stabbing at the fearsome limb that enveloped her with the Elven blade, Hush. Having spent much of her life devouring, she was in no hurry to have the tables turned on her.

In desperation, Vogonwë drew another arrow and aimed for one of the glowering eyes, when his arm was stayed.

“Do … not … harm it”, warned Captain Cirkdan, who had appeared on deck accompanied by Mister Neemoi, Dr Macaw and the remainder of the All-at-sea-ship.

“But the vile creature has my beloved Pimpi in its evil grip!” cried Vogonwë.

“Are you out of your Half-Elf mind!” squawked Dr Macaw. “Don’t you know what that thing is?”

“But we must do something!” cried Merisuwyniel, readying the Entish Bow.

“The good Doctor is correct for once” said Mister Neemoi calmly, prompting the avian medico to raise an improbable eyebrow. “If you attack, you will merely drive it off, and your friends with it,” he continued. “It means no harm. Listen.”

And as they listened, the burbling that issued from the creature’s terrible maw resolved itself into something recognisable.

“It’s singing!” exclaimed the Gateskeeper.

“How delightful,” muttered Leninia. “A singing squid.”

The beast had brought Pimpi and Kuruharan level with its crimson eyes and was indeed serenading them, in a deep mournful tone.

Where darkness rules the ocean deep, and sea begins to freeze;
Where light doth fail to penetrate, untouched by any breeze;
Where creatures strange and monstrous live, in black and watery lair,
Come back to me! Come back to me, and say my realm is fair.


Then its voice changed, taking on a lighter, more feminine timbre, although the tone remained mournful.

Where light is come to shallows clear through curtains green and blue;
Where fishes play and corals lay, in bright and varied hue;
Where sunlight shines and shellfish fine adorn a rocky stair;
I’ll linger here, and will not come, because my realm is fair.


“That … is the … Bachelor in … the Water,” explained Cirkdan.

“One of the great Krakens of old,” added Macaw. “The first of all the great sea creatures to awaken in Muddled-mirth.”

“It is … said … that they were awoken … by … the songs sung … by the … Calamari … as they … sailed … in their squid ships out … from their great … haven, … Valleyfornia,” said Cirkdan.

“Their story is a sad one,” continued Macaw. “They haunt the wild depths of the ocean and once swam there happily with their wives. But the Kraken-wives yearned for the gardens of the sea: the coral reefs and rocky shallows. It is said that one day the Kraken-wives just upped and left and the Krakens have been searching for them ever since.”

“A most improbable tale,” said Neemoi. “The existence of a life form in which the two genders are unable to cohabit harmoniously is highly illogical.” Oblivious to the stares of disbelief which greeted his words, from male and female alike, he continued: “And even if true, it is most improbable that there are any Kraken-wives left in existence, and so their persistence in continuing to search defies all logic.”

Merisu shook her head sadly, despairing of the first-officer’s complete failure to grasp the concept of romance.

“But there can be no doubt as to the creature’s identity,” continued Neemoi. As he spoke, he unrolled a chart. “We are here,” he said, indicating a point on the chart which bore the legend: Here be Keening Krakens.

By now, the Kraken had returned Pimpi and Kuruharan to the ship, having secured their promise to keep an eye out for the Kraken-wives. Kuruharan contentedly pocketed the pearls which he had extracted as the price for his promise, and also for a lotion which he had sworn blind was “guaranteed to attract over-sized female squids across the ocean wide”, but which was in fact an application for the treatment of unsightly blemishes. Tragically, unsightly blemishes were considered the height of attractiveness in Kraken society.

As the noble beast disappeared once more beneath the waves, Pimpi waved farewell.

“Goodbye Seabeard!” she cried. “I hope that you will find Eightlimb one day.”

When all had become quiet once more, Soregum crept from his hiding place. Luckily, it seemed, no one had noticed his absence in all the commotion. And yet he was thoroughly ashamed of his cowardice. How could he have deserted Pimpiowyn like that? The nagging doubts in his heart surfaced once more and he began to conceive of a possibility that went against all that he had learned throughout his many days: perhaps there was more to life than pure self-interest.

Last edited by The Saucepan Man; 11-10-2004 at 03:21 AM.
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