[Kuruharan]

“Ah, the Sea! This is what life as an Elf is really all about!” thought Merisuwyniel to herself as she sat on the bow of the Entish Surprise and giggled merrily to herself as she watched the crew use Grralph as a handy mop. Vogonwë fell down from the crow’s nest (where he’d been trying to find some seagull named Livingston) and hit the deck with a mighty *splat.* The crew thought the half-elf was a particularly stubborn stain and furiously scrubbed at him with Grralph.

Merisuwyniel turned and watched the sea rocking and pitching beneath her. “Yes, this is the life,” she thought to herself, ignoring the sound of retching as Soregum heaved up his breakfast, midnight snack, last night’s second dinner, last night’s first dinner, and his afternoon snack.

A commotion erupted behind her as Kuruharan burst on deck. Being at sea had wrought the strangest transformation in the dwarf. No more was he the scheming landlubberly merchant. Now he had adopted the persona of a scallywag in a schooner to the hilt. He’d set aside the traditional layered robes of a dwarven magnate and was dressed in baggy sailor’s trousers, a stout blue overcoat of broadcloth with gold buttons, and a silly laced and feathered hat. To make matters worse, he’d strapped a peg-leg to himself and now hobbled and staggered about the ship making a terrible ruckus and addressing everybody as “AAAARRRRRR” at the top of his voice.

It was this new Kuruharan who now shot out of the stern cabins, reeled across the deck, and crashed into the mainmast. The crew started to chuckle.

“AARRRR!!!” bawled Kuruharan, as he righted himself with the aid of the mast. He weaved his way to where Soregum was making his offerings to the Sea. Unfortunately, he tripped and flopped right into Soregum, knocking the poor chap over the rail and screeching into the drink.

The crew burst into uncontrolled spasms of laughter.

Ignoring the fact that Soregum now bobbed helplessly in the water below, Kuruharan clattered his way up the stairs over to where Merisuwyniel sat.

“ARRRRRRR, lassie!!!” he bellowed.

“Uhhh…good morning,” she replied. “Don’t you think somebody should throw Soregum a line, or something.”

“I know not what swill ye’ve been…whoops!!!” howled the dwarf as he lost his balance again and fell into a nearby barrel.

Pimpi came out of the galley munching on an apple. She saw Soregum’s predicament and, deciding that competition was a good thing as far as Vogonwë was concerned, tossed him a line. Soregum dragged himself out of the water to the unrestrained chortling of the crew.

“Never mind,” called Merisuwyniel over the crashing noises Kuruharan was making in his barrel.

Merisuwyniel gazed back out over the ocean and took a deep breath of the sea air. (The crew stopped laughing to gape at her.) She could have stayed happily perched there until The End, but the plot intervened again (or maybe I should say, for once).

Shouts and thumps started coming from below deck. Peeved at the distraction, Merisuwyniel turned to see what was causing all the fuss. Someone kicked a door open and a knot of struggling crewmembers emerged, holding something that thrashed fiercely about in their grasp.

“A STOWAWAY! A STOWAWAY!” the crew shouted to each other. “Someone call the cap’n!”

At that moment Kuruharan knocked over his barrel, tumbled out, rolled across the deck, fell over the ledge, and landed in a pitiful heap at the foot of the steps leading up to the forecastle. “Make ‘em walk the plank and hang ‘em from the y-AAARRRR-d AAARRRRR-m!!” he yelled in a most contradictory (and annoying) fashion.

The captain and his officers emerged on deck.

“What…do…WE have…here?” the captain asked. He turned to his elven navigator. “Mister Neemoi…analysis.”

The elf, who had very straight black hair, stepped forward and peered at the whatever-it was the sailors were holding.

“Curious,” the elf said, almost to himself. “It seems to be some sort of giant rat!”

“Villain, Poltroon!!” shrilled a voice. “Tell your ill-bred ruffians to loose hold of me and give me my sword! I’ll cut the lot of you to ribbons!!”

“It seems to be a talking rat,” observed Dr. Macaw.

“Yes, doctor,” replied Neemoi in a tone that had the faint ordure of condescension. “I have heard of such things before.”

“What…SHOULD …we…do…with him?” interrupted the captain.

“Blast it Dim,” squawked Dr. Macaw, “I’m a doctor, not a practitioner of jurisprudence!”

“I am a mouse, not a rat, rapscallion!” shrilled a voice. “And if you fail to unhand me this very instant, I shan’t be responsible for the consequences!”

Something about this voice seemed vaguely familiar to Merisuwyniel. She climbed down the steps to the deck (making sure to stomp on Kuruharan on her way over) to have a look at this stowaway.

What she saw was a mouse that would have been almost two feet tall had he been standing, His fur was black and he wore a band of gold about his head through which was stuck a crimson feather (at the moment it was a little worse for wear).

“Why, it’s Grim Reaperneep!” she cried.

Upon seeing her, the mouse bit right through the hand of one of his captors and sprung free.

“Most Noble Lady,” the mouse piped as he knelt at her feet. “After seeing you I could not continue in this mortal coil if I failed to place my sword at your unending disposal. In pursuance of this great goal, I…ahem…gained passage on this vessel to pledge myself to your service.

Every head snapped around to stare at Merisuwyniel. Other maidens might have been abashed at this, but Merisuwyniel secretly lived for these moments so she blushed just enough to make herself more attractive before responding.

“We would be honored to have your blade Seigneur Mouse!” she declared grandly. “All aid is appreciated in our Quest to Reunify the Entish Bow.”

*BONG* goes a sudden realization.

“Uhhh, Pimpi, my dear,” Merisuwyniel gently intoned, as she grabbed the quarterling in a grip of steel. “You did remember to load our special wagon on board, didn’t you.”

“I’m not a porter,” came the incensed reply.

“Gateskeeper,” Merisuwyniel hissed.

“What wagon?” he asked.

“Vogonwë?”

“I had an ode to compose!”

“Orogarn?!”

“Two!”

“Kuruharan?!!”

“AAARRRRRRR!!!”

“Leninia?!!!”

“As if…”

“Chrysophylax?!!!!”

The dragon was out of earshot.

“TURN THE SHIP AROUND!!!!” screamed Merisuwyniel.

“But…” said the captain.

Merisuwyniel grabbed him by the throat. “TURN THE SHIP AROUND!!!”

They made remarkably good time and were back in Mithfortune later that afternoon. There on the pier sat the Ent that Was Broken, mocking them.

*Whew* sighed Merisuwyniel when she saw the Ent and heard its taunts. “That would have been embarrassing to show up in Valleyum with no Ent!”

After the Ent was safely contained in the hold, they set sail again.

“Now, to the Uttermost West and the End of the World!” cried a joyous Merisuwyniel as she watched the shore vanish to the rear.

“The end of the world is in the East,” said Reaperneep.

“What?” said Cirkdan. “That…IS…nonsense. The…End…lies to…the…West. I…HAVE…been…there.”

“What ca-ca!” shrilled Reaperneep. He turned to Merisuwyniel. “Is our noble quest destined to fail because of the addled ravings of a sea-borne lunatic? We must sail East!!!”

“Ugh!” snapped the captain. “Mister Neemoi…explain…to…him.”

The elf stepped forward.

“It is not logical that we should sail east, the land we just departed from lies to the east. If we sail east we’d run aground!” Neemoi stated.

“A minor problem!” cried Reaperneep. “Are we to be so easily defeated by such a trifling thing?”

“Err…” said Merisuwyniel.

“Claws,” said Cirkdan, “do…something.”

“Blast it Dim,” squawked Macaw, “I’m a doctor, not a navigator! That’s the Elf’s job!”

“Where’s…Tottie…our…engineer?” called the captain.

“Bombed out of his mind,” replied Neemoi.

“Oh good, another one,” thought Merisuwyniel. Out loud she said, “Gentlemen and et cetera, this quarreling cannot get us anywhere.”

“East,” cried Reaperneep.

“West,” snapped Neemoi.

“There must be something we can do to settle this,” Merisuwyniel shouted.

“West,” said Neemoi firmly.

“East,” said Reaperneep as he drew his sword.

“Perhaps we could go north,” Pimpi piped in. “That way both of you will get to go in half the direction you want.”

“You can’t sail in half the direction you want to go,” said Neemoi. “It’s not logical! You won’t get where you want to go!”

Reaperneep’s sword glinted.

“Uhh, maybe we had better go north,” said Merisuwyniel uneasily. She wanted to avoid adding to the Gallowship’s already impressive body count and there was something in the distant past about her people about arriving from Valleyum from the north. Unlikely as it was it seemed the only workable compromise.

“Very…well,” said Cirkdan. “North…IT..is.”

“AAARRR,” bellowed Kuruharan as he lurched off. Unfortunately, he tripped and flopped right into Soregum, knocking the poor chap over the rail and screeching into the drink.

The crew burst into uncontrolled spasms of laughter.

And so, here is our Quest, heroically embarked upon an attempt to save the world, sailing in a direction none of them think will take them where they are going.