[Galadriel55]

Captivity

Originally Posted by Huinesoron

Coming back to Captivity, have a range of syllables!

The ice of our enchanted bonds - chills
Like Dark[ness/Night] Eternal[/Everlasting]
Like hammer falling on a raised shield
The foe is crushing.

I think that second line either has a beat I'm not seeing in the lyrics, or 'chills' is trying to run over into the first beat of it.

Ok, scanning the Russian beat by beat for the first two lines (which by the way threw me off at first too because I don't think Line #2 follows the conventions of the later stanzas, and I had to revert to the finger count):

ot ZA cha RO va NYH o KOV / HO lod = the ICE of OUR enCHANted BONDS / CHI-ills

ZHYOT (KAK) LYOD (STRA) SHIIIIT kak MRA-A-A-AK = AND (THE) DARK (IS) FRIIIIIIGH-te-NI-I-I-ing (using the old one just for illustration purposes; bracketed syllables would be off-beats if they all didn't fall on their separate beats anyways in the music)

Using that template:
I think that the one that falls most naturally into the music is "LIKE (THE) DARK(NESS) EEEE-ver-LA-a-asting", where "ting" is extra but is easily accommodated by the trilling melody at the end which drags over several notes anyways.

"Crushing" works.

Originally Posted by Hui

I get the "years of hardship" stanza now! My only quibble is that it has a "THE oath" in the middle. Can I suggest We followed Oathbound through the Great Ice?

Yay! And yes! I was considering "our Oath" for easier flow, but this is even better.

Originally Posted by Hui

I've been a proud king. How upon my death
I shall be known < Dare I suggest Shall I be known?

Yes, that sounds better.

Originally Posted by Hui

Ah, and we come to the Price. So:

He will feel the blame for every death before his eyes

That's pretty good! Could even be He will blame himself for, or alternately, He will feel the shame of.

I like "he will blame himself"! Changing it now. "Shame" works as in "it's such a shame we all have to die this way", but sounds too much like "you should be ashamed of yourself", and I don't think that's a place I wanna go. (Or maybe I'm just overly defensive of Finrod when it comes to shame )

Originally Posted by Hui

I still can't get my head around Finrod's response here, so I shall leave it to you for now.

I feel like I made it more complicated than what it really is. Finrod says: you want me to betray Beren, and you're implying that it would be better for me to give in than suffer more of your torture. But it's not, because the cost of betrayal is my honour, and no torture will be enough to outweigh the value of my unstained honour.

The problem is that he says that out of order. :/

I think as a balancing act I could go with this for now, but it's subject to be revisited, because I'm not sure this does the trick:

A price for which my honour to retain,
Divert defilement from my last possession.
Don't lie to me that you guessed not my name!
Don't lie to me that my cost seems excessive!


Epilogue

Originally Posted by Hui

Perfectly grammatical - knock out the central clause, and you're left with "Why did Tim leave, who brought such lovely cakes?".

I still can't hear it, but I trust you on that one. Besides, I like the way it rhymes now.



Wind

Originally Posted by Hui

"It comes out to woodLAND pathWAY, and blooMING linDENS." - I... don't think it does? I hear a very firm DUST is SWIRLing O-ver WOODland PATHway structure on these lines. Is there a syllable somewhere that's throwing me off?

Oooooh! You have the downbeats hanging! Oh, that makes sense! Never mind on the whole thing. It scans. It was that optional downbeat after "over" that got everything shifted back in my mind. If you want to you could fill it with "the", but now that I know how this is supposed to go it's not even necessary. Sorry for the confusion!

Originally Posted by Hui

My whole world is like a house in ruins - I never liked that line anyway. ^_~ Let's see:

My whole world has crumbled into dust
My world crumbles; I cannot avert
My light fades into a meagre spark

I like #1 and #3 more.

Originally Posted by Hui

Coming to the key passage now, how does this work:

Hear my words flowing out between us
To bear you back to star-leaved maples
And with your bright crown of golden locks
You will raise your head and answer me at last:
Why did you turn from my side?

I was so far deep into the song that my reflex on reading your first sentence here was to correct the rhythm to "Coming to the passage now, does this work". Oh lord. *shakes head*

You know what? I typed a whole thing about how it scans in my head and all, and then realized that I am again getting fixated on a certain scansion and there is a lovely alternative available that scans perfectly fine. So scrap what I said before, here is the "enlightened" commentary:

The first two lines in your original draft (let my words etc) scan perfectly fine as they are. They just don't do the rapid syllable thing that you return to with "and with your bright crown". In the new draft they also work, but if it's a choice between the drafts I almost like the first one better (now that I can read it as it's meant to be read). If you want them to have the rapid syllable fire, I can supply that. ;-)

As for the "crown" line - I think it sounds good, and "bright" alleviates the stretch on "and".

Sorry again for the confusion! It would be easier if we could actually hear how it's intended to be read (same for the captive Elves, I suppose).

Originally Posted by Hui

Let me become as the silent trees

I'm singing 'as the silent trees' precisely over 'соком и смолой', and 'соком' easily has space for 'and the'. It's 'become' that's rushed.

Ah. Then I'm getting: let me BE-come AS the SIlent TREES, with a rapid "let me'. Did I get that right? That would work.

Originally Posted by Hui

I still don't hear it, but also, "woodland pathway" is only there for the reference back to the previous verse, and to make it long enough. If we're dropping it I'd go for Over woodland path a silver mist lies.

Same as above - I see it now, scrap the previous comments.

Because it parallels the first verse ("dust is swirling over"), it could even accommodate "the mist lies thick OVER", by the same count and rhythm. It would be more of a tongue twister though, with "lies thick" so close together.

Originally Posted by Hui

The leafy fingers weave their web

Yep, that's one's short; not sure why. Um... And the fingered branches weave their green webs?

Yup, that one goes!

Originally Posted by Hui

Lord, is all this world a lie?

Yeah, I've deliberately ignored her flurry of words there in favour of style. I think it resynchs on 'all'.

Gotcha.



Camp

Originally Posted by Hui

"though I feel like your version of "for the Oath's sake" is missing syllables" < I am positive it is! Please fix it, I just gave up.

Hmm, how about: "For the Oath's sake I forsook my own home, braving the Sea and bitter Cold"? Or maybe after foregone and forsworn I'm just fixated on archaic-sounding "for-" words. :P

Originally Posted by Hui

"Was Alqualonde ever burned?"

Well. As far as I know, not explicitly per Tolkien, but... when armies fight in cities, the cities burn. That goes back at least to Troy ("Was this the face that launch'd a thousand ships / And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?"), so it's not unreasonable. Also, Feanor, fire, they kind of go together.

Fair. Do you think it goes better as "The haven's ashes", or "Ash of the haven"?

Originally Posted by Hui

"I get to keep "Untrembling"? Yay!"

Of course! English loves adding prefixes to things. In this case the OED even has a cite for it, going back to 1570 when it was spelt "Vntrembling".

The official stamp of approval. ^.^