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Old 07-17-2020, 02:48 AM   #113
Huinesoron
Overshadowed Eagle
 
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: The north-west of the Old World, east of the Sea
Posts: 3,778
Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.
Oh, lovely! Let's have a look.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
You burst into my sleep like a ray of spring.
The subtitles say 'dreams', and given the Epilogue I think that might work better than 'sleep' here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
And I will fight for that which always has been mine!
I love this line. I don't think she uses 'take' consistently enough that we need to match it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
When in love I have rejoiced…
I don't think 'have' fits... When in true love I rejoiced?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
My life has no point without you! [I can have no place without you? Or something else altogether]
The first note is a long one, so 'I' would seem to work better. I... have no purpose without you?

Okay, I can't sing this for biscuits, in either version, so I'm just going to have to trust your scansion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
And Day and Night, and Life and Death
This world can only still enwreathe
That you would be there even for a single breath!
//
The dusk, the dawn, the earth, the sea
Only pervade expanses free
So even for brief moment Luthien should [would?] be!
I like the Tolkien reference, but 'pervade expanses free' took me about five minutes to even understand. Let's see what we can do:

The dusk, the dawn, the earth, the Sea
Were but created and set free
So that for one brief moment Luthien should be!


'Set free' points to Finrod's theme of changing the Song, while 'one brief moment' references the fact that she's going to die. Neither of which Beren would mean, but, y'know, musical.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
Without you earth and northern sky
Lose all their meaning in my eye
Through you alone I see the world without disguise!
//
The russet earth and northern sky
Without you valueless do lie
Through you alone the world holds colour in my eye!
Now this one I do have trouble choosing between. I like them both! Attempting a bit of combination:

The verdant* earth and northern sky
Without you meaningless do lie
Through you alone the world holds colour in my eye!


*Verdant over russet, because of this first line from Beren:

Forest is worn, lost is its green
Raiment


And then Luthien brings the colour back...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
Let... the wind rage over stronghold's walls
Love... will lead me back to you once more
Stronger than any griefs or woes
Worth more than victory or gold
A single battle fought: for victory of love...!
Hey, I recognise that! I'm really impressed you found 'stronghold's' to fit that first line; it works wonderfully.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
* The Russian says "poplars", but based on a quick Sil scan I thought beeches are more appropriate.
Beeches in Neldoreth, holly in Region, and I believe birch in Brethil. I walked through a beech-wood a couple of weeks ago; they're astonishingly open forests, not like anything else I've seen. I can understand why Thingol would set up shop there.

Overall, very nice! Even if both Berens take your 'When in love I have rejoiced' line and stretch... it... out.... end...... less................ ly.......... y. I really don't get their singing choices. o.O

hS
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