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Old 07-11-2020, 07:38 PM   #71
Galadriel55
Blossom of Dwimordene
 
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
Galadriel's Lament: Part 1

Tell, O Heather, tell me the truth
Does grow green your summer attire?
Does your blossom blanket the isle
Where now sleeps my brother tall
Most beloved of all,
Who'd forgiven all?

Tell the truth, O Memory, tell
How he gave up all that he owned?
Which star's silver light in him burned? [Alternatively: Which star guided him on his road? which is less faithful to the original text but rhymes a bit better]
How he dared* foresee in thought
Our common lot,
Our accursèd lot.**

Dear sister, [uhhh I need to work on this]***
Agony lies [there's only pain] ahead, on this path I will not set foot!

But I said: brother, dear, we will go onward anyway.
Sunset behind us dies, in front of us - another day.

Tell, O Seashore, tell me the truth
How have we renounced all our gifts?
How we lost our home, cast adrift?
How [went forth] my brother tall, <--- changed to "marched on" in the Doc
Most beloved of all,
After bitter Fall.

Tell, O Glory, tell me the truth
Why was so appealing your prize? ****
You would bloom in flowers of lies
And in slander of reward
Skillfully adorned
Every burning word. *****



...I am again getting stuck on Finrod's lines, so I will leave it here.


I feel your pain with getting "brat" to become "brother". I fear he is gonna have to be Finrod the Tall for the rest of Galadriel's singing, especially since he forgave everything too. Had to change up the content ever so slightly in the first verse, but added the extra emphasis on the Tolkien reference to compensate.

Galadriel doesn't say "the truth", but I needed syllables and I thought this would tie in neatly with Finrod's Finale, probably better than a random filler. I am not perfectly satisfied with all the lines, and as always feedback is very welcome! This one is more forgiving content-wise, perhaps, but still needs polish.

* The text uses "dared". I sometimes wonder if they only did it for rhyming purposes, because it sounds almost like an accusation, which doesn't make sense. Do you think there's any reason to keep it that way, or is it better to switch to something less aggressive?

** I first wrote "foresee our fate, our common fate, our accursed fate", but thought that using the same word thrice is cheating.

*** He says "love will leave a scar on me". Whatever that means. Tried to work in that he has to tear away his love, or sacrifice his love, or that he cannot leave his love. So far unsuccessfully. To be revisited.

**** This is meant to be "what could you have [implied "possibly"] offered us?". My line has a slightly different implication, though both essentially conclude that Glory wasn't worth it. I considered "What could you have offered as prize" but wasn't sure the structure works well. Thoughts?

***** I got well away from the text, expanding its vague but picturesque Line 4 over three lines (which otherwise were supposed to say "and looking backward, my brother said" - and over to Finrod's part). Does this version even make sense? Because I am not quite sure what sense it was supposed to make, and at this point can't tell if it makes any at all. For reference, the original verse says "You would meet us in a flowering of lies, in the slander of others' rewards". Reading over it, I think I might just be mixing tenses. Does "You have bloomed" fix whatever mess I made there? I also thought about "[You] Greeted us in blossom of lies", but "You" gets cut off and it sounds weird. Also, apparently the word "burn" is now stuck firmly in my brain after today. :P Sorry, that was probably the most out-of-order rant ever, I was adding to it as I was rereading the verse and changing my mind about everything.


I better conclude for today and close all my tabs before another idea jumps at me. With almost 11 hours of Finrod-Zonging, I think this is a record. It was an incredibly enjoyable record, but I think it might not be wise to extend it - or repeat it too often.
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You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

Last edited by Galadriel55; 07-12-2020 at 10:36 AM. Reason: Adding more stanzas, because I have no life...
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