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After a moment, Lómwë too sat down across from Endamir and Orëmir. Still dwelling on Endamir’s words, he hardly noticed Orëmir’s presence. “Nay, Endamir, do not apologize. I have asked myself so many of the same questions and mused over the same thoughts. Were it just Malris holding me here, I should leave; he is as a stranger to me. No . . . but I can’t just leave . . . I have to finish it.
“I have no delusions that I can bring the past back, and yet every step I take in this place, every moment I spend here, it brings those memories of the past in to sharper relief - clearer to the memory and closer to the heart.” There came a haunted look into Lómwë’s eyes. “The old people and places, it’s like I can see them. My son, Aradol, and dear Ellothiel, oh Eru, Endamir, what I wouldn’t do to go back, or to have them still with me!” That did it for Lómwë; he couldn’t stop now. Never had he spoken in such a way of those two – ever. “I can’t forget the past, nor do I want to, though I’ve tried, how I’ve tried. Why did I go to Lórien, adopt their ways and style of dress? I haven’t really known it, not till now, but it’s all been an act, an attempt to escape the past. When thoughts get too close to home, I shut them away, refusing to let myself go there. I’m afraid of it, and afraid of this place: it’s present and it’s history. And since I can’t go back or bring the past forward, I have to face it. There’s no peace in hiding from the past.
“I guess that’s all I’m really looking for: peace. I’ve tried in so many ways, and I’m not sure that visiting this place is going to do it. But I’ve got to try.” Even as he spoke, another memory began to intrude upon his thoughts. War and fighting sounded in the distance, though Lómwë was not directly part of it for the time being. Homewards he headed, with all possible haste. . .
No. Not that one, Lómwë declared pleadingly, forcibly shoving it away. He knew that one . . . it had attempted to intrude upon his thoughts many a time in these long years. But he wouldn’t let it; it was too painful. “I’ve got to face the past,” he said miserably, “but I can’t. Not yet.”
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