BEREN:
What wretched fortune did befall...
I hear the final trumpet call!
Soon you and I will both be gone
Only our names will linger on.
//or//
Of you and I, we both know plain,
Only our names will soon remain.
FINROD:
The ships have wandered in the skies [or did wander, to match the line below?]
And in the dust the gold did shine!
But, life entrusted to fate's hand
I know no longer who I am.
BEREN:
Wind blowing
With ash it dances in the light.
FINROD:
And glowing
Upon my shoulder dawn's mark bright.
How shall I stay
Before the Day [By Throne of Day?] *
A witness mesmerized of other people's oaths fell?...
BEREN:
Are you afraid to die, my King? **
FINROD:
Of this thought I can only sing! ***
BEREN:
Each minute falls more dark and drear
But not for myself is my fear.
FINROD:
More mute than stones - only the dead,
And worse than death is only dread!
BEREN:
And worse than dread lies something still:
The duty you [I? we? one?] could not fulfill.
FINROD:
Soul lingers
In turmoil and in anguish long.
BEREN:
Two brothers
Together stand in cage and song!
FINROD:
Forgive me now
BEREN:
Forgive me now
BOTH:
That I, unwitting, brought your reckoning about... ****
BEREN:
I could have moved the very hills!
FINROD:
I thought were deathless mirth and sun!
BEREN:
My lot was love, for good or ill. [filler material: is it appropriate?]
FINROD:
But death makes equal everyone.
BOTH:
And Eru's Gift which your (my) kin bear
Between the two of us we'll share.
BEREN:
My love afar in distant land
FINROD:
My love afar in distant land
BEREN:
How heavy lies your gentle hand!
FINROD:
With bitter touch now falls your hand!
BOTH:
Your trail in treachery imbued,
But I have no life without you.
BEREN:
He who loves
Is burning in a flame unseen!
FINROD:
Long time was [For years was?]
Extinguished in me fire's sheen.
What shall I say
Before the Day
A witness mesmerized of other people's hope fell?...
BEREN:
I hear the final trumpet call!
FINROD:
All things will happen in their stead. [All things must come in proper stead?]
BEREN:
But what strange fortune did befall!
FINROD:
I beg you, let me go ahead!
I have been granted much in life
But not to finish my designs.
FINROD:
Disowned by my own people's hearts...
BEREN:
But till the end they were your care.
FINROD:
A king who perished in the dark!
BEREN:
But there is not a face more fair!
FINROD:
Of the two lights, just one may be;
I chose the one in front of me. *****
BEREN:
Those daring
To love can walk unscathed through strife! ******
FINROD:
But, Beren,
What deed could justify my life?
How shall I stay
Before the Day
A witness mesmerized of other people's doom fell?...
This was a tough one to get through. For once "brother" was not an issue, but pretty much everything else was. The content was quite dense and evolving quickly, not much wiggle room. Overall I am fairly happy with it, but there are a few points that were meh.
* This was so much easier in V1: "The price to stand before the Throne of Day etc". How on earth do I fit "Who will I be when I stand before the Throne of Day" into a short rhyming couplet?! And the second time Finrod says it, he asks what shall he recall before the Throne of Day, but I don't think there is any way to get it to fit exactly. "What shall I say" I think compromises well between bringing up memories and giving justification.
** I end up referencing to Finrod as "king" a couple of times, but he told Beren specifically not to call him that - and Beren calls Finrod his brother later, so it's doubly inappropriate for him to say "my King". Neither can Beren call him "Finrod", that would ruin the whole drama about not knowing his name/identity anymore (though I took out the explicit wording about his name in favour of a better flowing version). Partially this is filler to rhyme with the next line (which is also wanting), but "My King" really should go.
*** This is my least favourite line in the song, and I'm afraid it hasn't improved in translation, so suggestions are welcome. Finrod, what is it that you can only express in song? Your fear? Your lack of fear? Your death? Your current plight? Your dense rhyming scheme?
**** This line sits a little lopsidedly. This is the best of the versions I had, but suggestions are welcome.
***** Any idea what those lines are referring to?
Is it just Finrod's endless struggle of choosing the greater of two rights: love and conscience vs friendship, duty to Beren vs duty to Nargothrond?
****** "Only those who are faithful/loyal will stand on the edge without fear". This is fairly vague, possibly referring to facing death, or to "walk on the edge" and make it though; certainly being faithful in his original phrase is broad enough to encompass Finrod's loyalty to his oath, not just love. But I wanted to preserve Finrod's lines, so Beren just got rhyming filler. My question is - do you think this line is in character for Beren?
Edit: crossed with your post. Yay!