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Taking the Epilogue as a whole, then. I'm working against Version 1 in this instance. Suggested lines are in bold for highlighting purposes only.
In the hour when slumber calls
And the cloak of Night dulls the air
I don’t see these stone-carven walls
For I know that he is not there.
Both sets of subtitles say you, which would would mirror Finrod's words earlier. Is there a reason you went with 'he'?
Tell the truth, O Heart, tell me why
In the velvet twilight you weep?
Where lies he in his deathly sleep?
I'm having trouble fitting this to the sung line. I think even V1 Galadriel throws in an extra half-syllable (death-er-ly?), but I'll trust your rhythm.
Why did my fair brother go
Many years ago
Into sunset glow?
//
Why did my fair brother tall,
Who'd forgiven all,
With the sunset fall?
It's kind of a shame to lose the final 'who'd forgiven all', but you're right that the first version is rather nicer.
Did he reach a final accord
In the daunting struggle with fate?
What left he behind in his wake
In this young and imperfect world?
His daunting struggle, maybe?
For the last line, 'wake' brings in the ship imagery, so can we use the Straight Road?
When he took the Westerly road?
An ancient Oath that brings ruin to who holds it fast.
An ancient Oath ruins those who hold to it fast
Or, if we can flip who's doing the holding:
An ancient Oath summons ruin on those it holds fast
An ancient glory and courage of kings of the past.
An ancient pride that lives on in those who see not grief nor trials vast -
But stronger is time.
No more, brother mine,
Of looking behind:
There is no going backward -!
I really like these lines. My only suggestion is No looking behind; I know it breaks the sentence, but 'No more' kind of stands alone anyway.
Ours - the harbours grey with sky-ship sails
Yours - the greeting of the coming dawn!
More strong than even steel of bonds
Above all words and oaths beyond
The only Law that counts, the Law of Love prevails!
I like 'sky-ship sails'. I have to wonder why you didn't go with Havens grey, though. ^_~
I love the flow in this stanza. It might work better with [b]More strong than steel and iron bonds[b], because 'steel of bonds' feels kind of forced. But the rhymes are perfect.
Ours - the salt of sea-spray on the wind
Yours - a love to fill entire world
And if in this new world's account
Love is the only Law that counts
Our ancient world was but a brief prologue to it!
// Our tale was nothing but a brief prologue to it!
Go for it! Or even Our ancient tale was but etc.
I like the account/counts pair - that's a lovely set of lines.
Ours - of ships departed fading shade
Yours - the ringing grasses of the spring
And if in this new world's account
Love is the only Law that counts
We were but dawn while you're the light of burning day!
How about the fading shadows on the Sea? Sea/day still rhymes(ish)
I think burning light of day flows best on the last line.
Ours - the guarding of your night-dream realm
Yours - the vast and dazzling universe
And at the end, in shadowed hall,
You'll take from mightiest of all
Your final gift, the greatest gift of Love itself!
I'm struggling to do something with that first line. I really like the concept, but it's hard to fit "we stand guard upon your dreams" into the rhyme, rhythm, and grammar.
Ours - within your dreams to guard and help?
Ours - to guard your dreams above all else?
Ours - within your dreams to guard and dwell?
Ours - to guard your dreams where mem'ries dwell?
I think 'the end' rather than 'its end', since the latter implies that they have to wait to the end of time.
I do like 'the vast and dazzling universe'. That's a lovely line that perfectly fits the theme.
Overall, a great job! I know I used lots of words, but they're mostly minor tweaks.
(Hey, did I just manage to catch up with the thread?)
hS
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