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Working through various Assorted Notes first:
Oh, would that in this world love knew of no rules! < This works nicely.
"I suggest we start an appendix for the parody versions. They're fun to do, and from my experience thus far don't require as much emotional input." < Snuck onto the end of the document.
"But the only practical suggestion I came up with is swapping "time" and "years" in the 3rd verse, to rhyme with "reach". However, even little change makes it sound less picturesque than the way you have it now." < How about changing 'reach' instead?
That's forever beyond our ken
Time-Ken isn't too bad a rhyme.
"I swapped "such is his high price for his kingly honour!" for "Such his unfair price for his kingly honour!". It's a bit less of a tongue twister. Any reasons not to switch it?"
Checking the Silm, Beren actually calls it a "little price", and so:
Such a little price for his kingly honour!
It sounds a bit demeaning, but... it's meant to! Beren is super snarky.
Right, moving on to the Pity Party:
Can you give a decent reason - how about What the cause and what the reason? It has shades of 'Where now the horse and the rider?', though more I think of William Blake:
What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!
I think the 'find captives' stanza works well as it currently stands.
The fetters:
ORCS:
We could put ourselves in fetters
As to entertain you better!
We would even grey and wither
If you so command!
SAURON:
What's the purpose of your torment?
It intensifies the boredom.
You're already slaves and servants!
Get out of my sight!
As you say, 'could' to link with the passage above. Can I suggest 'So to entertain you better'? Normally it would be 'so as', but I think I've heard just 'so'. (Also, shades of 'So, to business' and suchlike.)
'Grey and wither' - I agree that swapping out 'grey' would be nice. Simple 'age' is always a possibility?
I love 'It intensifies the boredom'. Oh, Emo Sauron.
For the rhyming last line: can we change both of them? 'If you so decree' and 'Get you gone from me' would work. I assume we need to rhyme with 'land' as well? Let's see:
O my Lord, upon our border
There is something out of order:
Unidentified intruders
Approaching your seat!
Maybe?
I'm also torn over whether 'something out of order' is too silly or just right for this song. I don't really have an alternative, though.
The final stanza is brilliant. ^_^
hS
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