Thread: The Stewards
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Old 07-11-2018, 12:58 PM   #10
ArcusCalion
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Everything to which I do not respond (and everything not mentioned in the previous post) I agree to.

TS-QE-03: I agree to this addition here, but I would edit it differently, as your version does not flow naturally.
Quote:
TS-QE-03{
"I}He was very troubled at that time, {’ he said, ‘} for Saruman was hindering all {my}his plans. {I}He knew that Sauron had arisen again and would soon declare himself, and {I}Gandalf knew that he was preparing for a great war. How would he begin? Would he try first to re-occupy Mordor, or would he first attack the chief strongholds of his enemies? {I}Gandalf thought {then, and I am sure now,} that to attack Lórien and Rivendell, as soon as he was strong enough was his original plan. It would have been a much better plan for him, and much worse for {us}the Free Peoples.
{‘You may think}It may be thought that Rivendell was out of his reach, but {I}Gandalf did not think so. The state of things in the North was very bad. The Kingdom under the Mountain and the strong Men of Dale were no more. To resist any force that Sauron might send to regain the northern passes in the mountains and the old lands of Angmar there were only the Dwarves of the Iron Hills, and behind them lay a desolation and a Dragon. The Dragon Sauron might use with terrible effect. Often {I}Gandalf said to {myself}himself: ‘I must find some means of dealing with Smaug. But a direct stroke against Dol Guldur is needed still more. We must disturb Sauron's plans. I must make the Council see that.'
This makes the editing much less drastic, and keeps the flow going smoothly.

TS-QE-05: This is fine, but at the end of the addition, there are some sentences about picking Bilbo specifically, which I think are out of place. They should be moved down to TS-QE-18, or removed entirely.

TS-QE-31 to 37: As I said in my last post, I think these should be removed, and it can flow as it did in my own draft, starting with TS-QE-30 after the subheading Of the Finding of the Ring, or perhaps it can be a new chapter.

The rest seems fine. As can be seen, I have relatively few changes, as this was a masterful draft. There may be more things for me to comment on when I see the full text, especially spelling and grammatical errors, but in terms of structure these are my only concerns.
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