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Old 01-15-2003, 04:05 PM   #29
Mithadan
Spirit of Mist
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Tol Eressea
Posts: 3,310
Mithadan is a guest at the Prancing Pony.Mithadan is a guest at the Prancing Pony.
Sting

Gravlox trudged through the halls of the keep at Gol Dulldor, having first sent the wolves to their pens and his lads to their homes (after depositing their loot in the treasury, of course). At the end of the hall was a tall arch which stood over a great red door. Several Orcs were busily painting it black. He passed through the doorway and bowed deeply.

"My lord," he intoned gravely.

A man dressed in black robes wearing a metal crown upon his head (bearing the mystical runes spelling "Maxwell House" on its blue aluminum) spun about in his Recaro chair. This was the evil Lord Sourone. "Gravlox!" he barked. "You've been afield nearly three months! Where have you been? Report!"

Gravlox bowed deeply. "My Lord," he said. "My troops and I have been far afield, have slain many Elves and Men, terrorized many maidens, fouled rivers, stolen goats, and gone through toll booths without paying, as was your wish."

"Yes, yes," replied Sourone as he toyed with a mystical set of silver balls that clicked against one another as they swung back and forth. "But what loot do you bring to fill my coffers?"

"Lots!" answered Gravlox. "Loads and ladles of loot, laden upon the laboring lads of my Lord! Bags of gold, silver and copper coins and the carberator from a VW Microbus. And we only lost one Orc to the swords of our foes!"

He's lying!came a voice seemingly out of nowhere.

"What?" said Sourone. "Who said that?"

He's lying! They ran out of food and ate Gorbachev the Fat. And they found the carberator in a pond! Ow! Gravlox had stamped his left foot hard upon the marble floor.

"Nothing, my lord," stammered Gravlox. "Twas just my foot...er...my wooden foot. You'll recall I was wounded in battle, sir, and I needed a foot. So your craftsmen made one for me out of wood, but it was enchanted by some foul magic of the Elves or someone."

Sourone looked over his bifocals at the Orc Captain. "You really should get that taken care of," he said. "Very well. "How long before you can sally forth again to bring terror to the hearts of the Free People? A month?"

"I leave tomorrow," Gravlox said hurriedly. "Your wish is my command!" With that he rushed out of the lushly appointed offices of the evil one. Once outside the door, he stamped his left foot again. "You shut up or I'll use you for kindling." As he walked towards his quarters, he heard the faint sound of giggling.

-------------------

"Honey, I'm home!" called Gravlox, hoping beyond odds that there would be no answer.

"Gravlox?" came the reply. "Darling, where have you been? I've missed you. Kiss. Kiss"

Gravlox cringed, and if you have ever seen a female Orc, you know why. He hurriedly threw her a bag of coins and backed away towards his room. "Can't stay. In a hurry. Gotta go back out with my troops. Duty calls and all," he stuttered.

"Again?" said his wife as she counted the money and stashed it in her bodice. "At least say hi to little Gravy."

"Yar," answered Gravlox. He trudged down the hall to Gravlox, Jr.'s room or Gravy as he was known. The sound of scissors echoed in the hall as he approached the door. He poked his head in to the bright room, noting that his son had changed the curtains again (to lime green) and had begun using a new brand of deodorizer (minty fresh). "Hey, kid," he said.

"Daddykins!" cried Gravy. "Oh, I've soooo missed you. Hair Design School is soooo hard and I can never find anyone to practice on. My brothers captured this Elf for me and I'm trying out a new hairstyle. Oh, look!"

An Elf looked up at Gravlox. The whites of his eyes showed as he shook in fear and shame. His hair had been died pink and cut into a mohawk. "Kill me, please!" he whispered.

"Very nice, son," said the Orc Captain hurriedly. "Have fun!" He shut the door and walked into his room. It was going to be a long night...
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