Once upon a time in an age gone by, there was a small band of Elves who traveled to the far east of Middle-earth, all the way to Far Harad. What drove them to such a place is a point of fact lost in the sands of time, not to mention the sands of the desert, but surely they had their reasons. They set up a secret enclave in the heart of the desert, far from any Haradrim, and with the aide of the long forgotten Mood Ring of Power turned their home into an oasis. Palm trees and soft grasses are said to have leapt from the sand dunes at the command of the Ringbearer, and a crystalline spring bubbled up from the ground, as springs generally do, rather than bursting forth from thin air.
The Elves lived in their sunny paradise for many years, eating cocoanuts and mangos. I am not entirely sure that cocoanuts and mangoes should be growing in Far Harad, but if they used the Ring they could, in theory, be growing anything they wanted. Such as butternut squash.
Whatever became of the Elves of Far Harad? No one is sure. Many believe it to be a just a tale told by the Haradrim, a legend. Some say that deep in the heart of the most brutal deserts, where no man can survive the arduous journey, the Elves still live in their oasis. Others say that great tragedy befell the the Elves and their oasis was swallowed into the desert never to be seen or heard from again. Still others with throw rotting squash at you if you even so much as mention the word Elves.
The following is a tale of the Elves of Far Harad. Truth? Or Bolliwockus? Do we care?
---
One night in the dead of winter, a cold wind blew over the sand dunes on the outskirts of the Elven Oasis. It carried with it all the usual imports of impending doom. No one, it seemed, was out and about that night. Not even a mouse. But then, a lone figure came creeping out of the lush foliage of the Oasis and made its way to a barren rock several yards away. On the ancient stone, upon which the Ringbearer had stood and summoned forth the Oasis, were carved many runes of great importance. Alongside these were carved the runes: Diamond + Jay 4 Evah!
The figure, a young elven maiden by the named of Diamond (for it was said her eyes shone like jewels and all that rot) crouched by the stone and waited. For a long time. She began to grow bored and restless, and was thinking about going home when a hushed noise made her snap to attention. From the shadows came the sound of heavy breathing, and licking of chops, and she was mightily afraid. She peered into the darkness, and saw:
Screaming, she leapt up and ran. The giant cat leapt after her, but succeeded only in ripping the shawl from her lily-white elven shoulders. Diamond ran screaming back to the Oasis, and the Werecat ripped her shawl to shreds and left it lying upon the stone in tatters.
A moment later, a second humanoid figure came rushing from the Oasis. He was rather short, for an Elf, but he brandished a very long Elven sword. The Werecat, seeing said sword, wibbled a little, then bounded off into the darkness. Jay, for it was indeed the owner of the second name carved into the stone between the little girly hearts, was about to run after the Werecat, but then he noticed the shawl. He stopped and looked upon the torn fabric in horror.
He burst into spontaneous verse:
"But stay, O spite!
But mark, poor knight,
What dreadful dole is here!
Eyes, do you see?
How can it be?
O dainty duck! O dear!
Thy mantle good,
What, stain'd with blood!
Approach, ye Furies fell!
O Fates, come, come,
Cut thread and thrum;
Quail, crush, conclude, and quell!"
The gist being that he, seeing the mangled shawl, assumed his lover to be equally mangled and gave up all hope for life. He continued:
"O wherefore, Evil, didst thou Werecats frame?
Since Werecat vile hath here deflower'd my dear:
Which is--no, no--which was the fairest dame
That lived, that loved, that liked, that look'd
with cheer."
The gist being that Werecats suck and Diamond was a really great gal before she bit it.
Jay then lifted his sword and held it to his chest, weeping tears of utmost sorrow. With one final gust of poetry he declared:
"Thus die I, thus, thus, thus.
Now am I dead,
Now am I fled;
My soul is in the sky:
Tongue, lose thy light;
Moon take thy flight:
Now die, die, die, die, die!"
With each repetition of the words "thus" and "die" he stabbed himself in the chest. It takes quite the tragic Elven hero to stab himself in the chest eight times and still have breath enough to narrate his own actions. But then, you can see why Diamond held him in such high esteem.
Our Hero fell to his knees, oozing copiously, blood gurgling from both chest and mouth. He gasped out one last word... "Di....!" Was he uttering the name of his love? Or just saying "die" again? Who can say?
Meanwhile, back in the Oasis, Diamond was collecting her wits about her. She feared going back out into the foreboding desert, but feared also that her love might come to their rendezvous point and get et while waiting for her. So she gathered up her courage, to go with her wits, and set off once more.
When she came to the rock, she found Jay lying facedown in the sand. Naturally, she assumed him to be sleeping, and said as much: "Asleep, my love?"
When he didn't lift his head from the sand to answer her remarkably stupid question, she gave him a little nudge with her foot. Belatedly, she noticed his bloodied sword lying nearby, and gasped. She turned the body over and gasped a second time upon viewing the multiple stab wounds. "What, dead, my love?" she squeaked.
From there she was about to launch into a soliloquy that would rival Jay's death chant, when she heard a fluttering of wings from above. She looked up and saw:
Screaming, she leapt up and ran. Unfortunately for her, she ran straight into the embrace of a:
The giant bear crushed her in its crushing embrace, crushingly. Diamond died with a scream on her lips and blood projecting from her mouth to strike the bear splat on the chest. The bear was about to tear into its kill with ferocious ferocity when it looked up and saw:
The bear roared angrily and dropped the compacted Elven maiden to the ground. The Werewolf stalked toward the Werebear, menacing, its hackles raised. Then they clashed in epic fashion, and fought late into the night over the kill. While they did this, the Werebird inconspicuously picked Jay's bones clean.
Finally, sunrise came, and the wolf and bear were forced to give up their fight. They both retreated to their lairs, regretfully leaving Diamond, now stiff with rigor-mortis and rather unappetizing all things considered, rotting in the hot desert sun. The Werebird fluttered away, burping. Jay's bones gleamed whitely in the sun.
---
The bodies were soon found, and the Elves wondered in horror what could possibly have happened. Luckily, Viggo Mortensen was riding by and stopped long enough to read the signs and tell them exactly what had happened, with quotes and everything. He also pointed out some important runes on the Ringbearer's Stone, which read:
I love my little teddy bear!
and
Wolfy and me oxoxoxox!
and
I know why the Werebird sings
and lastly
Werecats rule!
"But what does it mean?" they wondered.
"It means that the evil creatures have groupies, or lovers, if you will," he informed them in a barely understandable mumble. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go hallucinate now."
They watched him ride off into the sunrise on Hidalgo, then turned to each other, wondering what to do.