[Diamond18]

"I can't believe we were beat by a bunch of badly dressed (but buff) buccaneers when we kicked butt against the Orcs," Pimpi muttered as they tromped along.

"That, I suspect, has something to do with the fact that their General was actually trying to win," Gravlox pointed out Peckishly.

"Are you insinuating that we only won the Battle of Goll Duldor because of you?" Orogarn Two said indignantly, tossing his magnificent hair huffily.

"Let's not argue amongst ourselves," Merisuwyniel reprimanded sternly. "And if you end another sentence with the suffix "-ly" I shall stop this march and spank you."

They continued walking, Children of Ilovetar and beasts of burden alike. Vogonwë and Pimpi strode side by side, hand in hand romantically, but more specifically because Pasdeduex had mysteriously disappeared. "Que sera sera, c'est la vie, please kiss me," Vogonwë had proclaimed, and offered gallantly to carry Pimpi, but she declined, knowing of his bad habits of dropping everything to pirouette, from time to time.

"Must every sentence run on, so?" she wondered wearily as they marched (in case you forgot what they were doing).

Gravlox paused, then, and said, "Wait a moment, I have to adjust my foot."

"What the matter with it?" Merisuwyniel asked attentively.

"It chafes from time to time," he replied, reaching down and pulling up his pant-leg to get at the leather straps binding the wooden shoe to his stump.

"How did you lose your foot?" Orogarn Two asked, as such matters interested the footloose and fancy-free hero quite a bit.

"Oh, it's was a long time ago; a bunch of namby-pamby Elves interfered with my amusement involving a human couple, a horse and some bratty kid. Some Elf tripped over his own pointy shoes while rushing at me with a magic shovel. The shovel cut off my foot, but I kil—" He stopped, having rattled off this mouthful of information without pausing to think first. "I mean..." he appended lamely, while his appendage muttered, "Whoops."

Pimpi then proceeded to suddenly scream. She clutched at Vogonwë's silky soft hair, and he screamed too, as a considerable amount of duress was being placed on his scalp.

"What in the name of gross and net profit is going on?" Kuruharan exclaimed.

"It's him! It's him! Ohmieru, it's HIM!" Pimpi shrieked in Vogonwë's ear as he tried to disengage her fingers from his tresses.

"Who's who?" Merisuwyniel asked.

"Him! That's him! He's him!" Pimpi explained incoherently.

"Him?" Merisuwyniel looked at Gravlox.

"Yes!" Pimpi cried, untangling one hand to point at the itchy-footed Uruk.

"He's him?" Merisuwyniel probed further.

"Yes! That's him!"

"I see," Merisuwyniel mused.

"I don't," said Vogonwë, Kuruharan, Chrysophylax and Orogarn Two in unprecedented unison.

"No, you don’t understand. I’m not ‘him’. I've changed. I'm different," Gravlox declared. "I've reformed! Redeemed myself! You can't tell me from Gregory Peck, now."

"I don't know who the Udûn Gregory Peck is," Pimpi said, "but I know that you're the Orc who killed my parents!"

There was a collective gasp, followed by a pregnant silence, followed by her boyfriend and her father, who had a longbow aimed at the boyfriend, and preceding them was a preacher and after that, Merisuwyniel broke the silence's water by saying, "That can't be true! Not my Loxy!"

"Yes! Your Loxy!" Pimpi insisted, with all the flare of a bad Soap-Opera actress.

Vogonwë spoke up: "This is poetic irony, is it is not?" He was silence by a half-halfing elbow planted squarely in the flesh just under his right ribcage.

Pimpi continued, "Where were you on the afternoon of June 4th, TA ----?"

"Dash dash dash dash?" Gravlox asked with a puzzled furrow in his brow.

"Shut up and answer the question!"

"I don't recall, it was a long time ago. Anyway, what I said before about the family, that doesn't prove anything, because I've attacked lots of—" He stopped again with a frustrated "D'oh!"

Merisuwyniel wore a look of horror (a feminine yet practical one, of course). "Tell me this is a bad dream!" she cried.

"It's a bad dream," Orogarn Two said helpfully.

"No it isn't, not this time," Pimpi declared. "My day of revenge has come, for here stands the very foul Orc who has haunted my dreams. Do not deny it!"

"Okay, all right, I'm sorry," Gravlox said. "I ask your forgiveness for slaying your parents. I swear that I will not do it again—"

"Well, duh!" Kuruharan rolled his eyes.

"I mean, I will never kill innocent folk again," Gravlox clarified.

"Like I give a monkey's larynx!" Pimpi yelled. "Many that live deserve death, and many that have died deserved to live. Can you give it back to them?"

"It sounded better the way the Not-White Wizard said it," Vogonwë said gently, and received another bruise to grace his midriff.

Gravlox looked stricken. "She's right," he said, looking in Merisuwyniel's eyes. "No matter how good I try to be now, it does not change the harm I've already done."

"You're damn right," Pimpi said, still looking cute in the midst of her anger and less than ladylike language. "Now, for revenge."

She paused, and looked at his towering frame. "All right. You do it, Vogonwë."

"Me? I hardly know the chap," Vogonwë declined.

"I gave up killing temporarily, for Lent," Orogarn Two said when her blue eyes turned to him.

"What on Middle-earth is Lent?" Pimpi asked.

"I may be willing to see what I can do, for a price," the mercenary dwarf spoke up.

"Wait!" Merisuwyniel interrupted. "Now wait just a minute! I...I'm sorry about your parents Pimpi, and horrified and all that, but I shall not let anyone kill Gravlox!”

Pimpi pouted. “Would you, could you, do it for me? Would you, could you, hear my plea?”

“No; I would not, could not do it for you. I would not, could not—no can do.”

“But why?” Pimpi whined, stomping her foot.

Merisuwyniel stood erect and took a deep breath. She explained; “Well, for one, he has repented and asked forgiveness for his past...um…youthful indiscretions. Does that not move you to pity? Pity, yes. Pity alone should stay your hand.

“Secondly, he is our guide, and if we kill him, we won't know where to find Earnur, and that should give you pause to think. Lord Etceteron was always kind to you; would you allow your thirst for revenge to prevent his rescue? And thirdly..."

There was another pregnant pause, etc., and then she finished, "And thirdly...I love him!"

Another pause. Not pregnant this time, just puzzled.

“Wait, do you mean Lord Etceteron, or that…that monster?” Pimpi finally asked, voicing the question on everyone’s mind.

“I’m sorry—dangling participial,” Merisuwyniel replied. Then she mustered what drama was left (with Grey Poupon) and clarified, “And thirdly…I love this Orc!”

*GAAAAAAAAAAAASP*

[ March 19, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]