OK, the clues are all there. The mention of Elijah Wood, and "my sister Kelly". And the obvious fondness of dogs. It's perfectly clear that this site was built by Jack Osbourne!
It's all there: the name dropping, the jealousy, (since his sister gets to hang out with Elijah Wood, and he got snubbed by Natalie Portman), the lack of talent. It has to be...wait, do the Osbournes have a Golden Retriever?
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