I've seen versions of this kind of thing (humorous retellings of the Silmarillion) before:
a (hilarious) thousand-word Silm on livejournal, an (also hilarious, but incomplete) one on council-of-elrond.com, and two that never got past the first few chapters.
But I've never seen one (well, besides the "1000 words" one) that covered a significant part of the book. Will I end up getting farther? (It seems unlikely.)
So, without further ado:
THE AINULINDALE (What Really Happened)
ERU: [
creates the Ainur ]
ERU: Good morning!
AINU #1: What's a morning?
ERU: Why, it's the first part of the day - you know, when the sun rises and all.
AINU #2: What's a sun?
ERU: Oh, right, that isn't due to be made for a few more Ages; sometimes being outside of time is a pain.
AINU #1: What's time?
ERU: ...OK, I guess that doesn't exist yet either. Forget it.
Anyway...
AINUR: Yes?
ERU: ....let's play some music!
[
They do. Eru and the Ainur produce violins and begin playing a concerto. ]
ALL AINUR: Wow, a world!
VARDA: Oooh, stars!
NIENNA: How ... tearjerkingly sad... snifflesniffle...
MELKOR: Hey, dudes, listen to this! [
pulls out an electric guitar instead and begins playing ]
ERU: No, no, not like that! [
plays violin louder]
LOYAL AINUR: [
play violins louder ]
MELKOR: This goes to eleven... [
plays REALLY REALLY loud ]
LOYAL AINUR: Ouch! [
cover ears ]
ERU: And,
cut!
[
Music stops]
AINU #1: That's for movie directors, not conductors.
ERU: How do you know what a movie is? They don't exist yet...
AINU #1: I guess it's that outside-of-time thing again.
ERU: Now, Ainur, look upon what thy work hath accomplished... OK, talking like that is tiring. Behold, lo, etc. The World!
ALL AINUR EXCEPT MELKOR: Oooooh! [
are awed ]
MELKOR: What's that world made of, Play-Doh? My pet hamster could do better!
ERU: You don't have a pet hamster.
MELKOR: How do you know? I might, mightn't I?
ERU: Omniscience, remember?
MELKOR: Oh, right.
(With apologies to JRR Tolkien - and to the makers of
This Is Spinal Tap, for associating them with Melkor.)