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"In the Shire there lived a curious hobbit called Esmerelda of Bucklebury. Hobbits for miles loved to eat the brand new purple mushroom casserole Which she made with a dark green substance she grew in the secret cellar under the smelly cowshed. Sometimes, she even made four large trolls eat the plums that were old and moldy and covered in a fluffy multicoloured mashed mouse mousse. But Uncle Bilbo knew something shocking about the secret which was that it also contained some 'special' meat.
Therefore, she decided to make a soylent green roast which smelled like a putrid, oozing duck, that was served at Rivendell thirtythree years ago, as Gollum ate something else entirely." Smeagol ate Deagol and then he burped very loudly
in his grandmother's face and then declared "You're next Preciouss".
When Esmeralda heard the unfortunate bit of bad news she decided to ask Bilbo to give her advice on Insurance Claims for poisoning customers.
But the Precious decided that it was best to go to Bagend and claim for itself Esmeralda's delicious pie which happened to be UncleBilbo's secret secret which everyone knew about.
So it apparently involved Arwen, Legolas, and a mob of scary-looking zombie hobbit children that all planned to dance all over Bilbo's face, which made passers-by drink zombie blood and then go and eat some lembas with unfounded glee.
Despite all this, it was clear that not even Sauron's bad breath could prevent Bilbo from releasing the horror upon the unsuspecting folk of Mirkwood vampire spiders which happened to bite Legolas Greenleaf in his buttocks which was distressing because he then required Gimli to use a special and very painful method, in order to cleanse and drink Esmeralda's remedy which was made on Tuesday night.
This caused there to be some sudden changes in this absurd story which Bilbo was trying to translate into every language, publish in Playboy, and send to Mr Peter Jackson."
A rift in...
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