LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor:
I find I must complain preemptively regarding the upcoming edition of your paper, as I am certain it will contain objectionable material of one sort or another (it always does); ergo, I feel it necessary to sit down while I have the time to list my grievances, because what should happen if, over the weekend, I am unable to protest in a timely manner? After all, I do have my laser hair removal session and the podiatrist's appointment for removal of unsightly toe-nail fungus. Therefore, please take the conjectural complaints listed heretofore in lieu of actual complaints based on as-of-yet unprinted material:
1. I don't like it.
2. That's ridiculous!
3. What, the Barrow Wight again?
4. Who writes this garbage?
5. The ravings of a lunatic!
6. What exactly are your journalistic credentials, I should like to know?
7. Whatever happened to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but...?
8. I don't like the Alien's shade of green. Use more chartreuse.
9. I've never seen such a piece of sycophantic, boot-licking lackeyism!
10. What contemptible nonsense!
Thank you in advance for your cooperation,
Ms. Sibyll Claire Voyant
Salem, Massachusetts
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And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision.
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