13. (the Evil Number
) If the source of your melancholia is not your parents or lost love having been done in by orcs, then Sauron is your father. Or possibly Saruman, if the melancholia isn't terribly severe.
14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.
15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.
16. If you do call your friends by name, you ALWAYS call them by name. You cannot say a sentence to them without including their name at least once.
My, this could get truly warped.