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Oddwen · 05-02-2007, 03:27 PM

The Argonath: The Awesome-Tastic Namarie Tour
by Alfredo Norman "Pickles" McSpankypants-Winthorpe of Long Grange South III Jr.

This evening marked the ninetieth stop of the band "The Argonath" on their farewell tour, ineptly titled "We Are More Awesome-Tasticular Than You!". The antics of the band were many and varied, ranging from the physically disturbing to the mentally deranged, and every shade in between.

The opening act Sgt. Saucie's Shiny Pan Club Band was a hit amongst the kiddies, playing their bawdy and jolly tune "We All Post On A Green and Black Forum" five times in succession, changing merely the tempo in an attempt to hack it.

Finally, the headlining band took the stage, and began their ninetieth stop on the tour with a bang as the guitarist fell off the stage. Nine helpful people set him back upright, and sheepishly, almost cajolingly, they opened with their hit "I Can Stand Up Better Than You, Dumbface".

The police were called in fifteen seperate and distinct times, but the same number of times were beaten back by walls of sound and strange nearly-invisible creatures summoned by the lead singer with the blood of one of their fans and their guitarist's "special" guitar, which looked more to this reporter like a sacrificial knife, as it had no amplifier cord. Or strings.

"I'm baffled," confessed Mme. Oromin Uialwen loudly. "I came here because it was supposed to be the most fan-tastic-abular thing ever, but I never expected for them to steal my blood! I want my mommy and a tourniquet!"

"We're baffled," shouted an irate policeman, the name of which we did not catch as he could not seem to yell very loudly with smashed bass guitar around his neck. "We keep getting more and more people with missing limbs down at the station - and I for one am getting suspicious."

The band, which consists of two grey statues with one uplifted arm each, played for several hours, in which time seven people collapsed from blood loss. Only once was their magnanimous performance interrupted, when a man leapt with superhuman strength onto the stage and attempted to wrest a guitar from one of the backup players and play it. It took eight men and D.C.I. Lalwende, but finally the man was dragged offstage. We were not able to get a name.

The Argonath's arguably biggest hit ever "Flood Posting" began with a creschendo of kazoos building up a wave of sound that flattened nearby mountains, and ended with a buzzing of pipes and small squashed frogs went over very well, even bringing tears to a few eyes.

"It was beautiful," sobbed a Mr. Elf Warrior. "I've loved this band ever since their first album came out, and I watch all of their shows. I have all of their albums. I cut pictures out of magazines. I take newspapers and clip the letters out of them to spell their names and paste them on my walls. I quit my job to see this show." Mr. Warrior then ran off towards the stage and began to mosh uncontrollably, and violently.

The musical talents of The Argonath are undeniable, mostly due to the fact that their drummer has six legs and is able to play both percussion and a gramaphone simultaneously. Most of the fans whom we asked were not overly adverse to this physical deformity, indeed the drummer seemed to be much loved and coddled over as a young child's teddy bear never was.

"Hubba hubba," we quote from a young lady named Diamond18.

But every six-legged drummer has their enemies, as is evidenced by our next quote from a one-legged moderator named Norman. Or Mormegil. We couldn't hear anything and are making a lot of this up.

"This is outrageous," said Mormegil. "I donated my leg to a very reputable charity in the assurance that it would go to a small cute child, and there it is on a troublesome stone drummer! The authorities shall hear of this!" At this Mr. Mormegil began approaching the stage, but at the same moment a nearly invisible creature grabbed him and dragged him screaming into a newly opened crevasse in the earth.

At this point, this reporter was overcome by the weed smoked by the hobbit next to me, and my notes are all muddled. From my horrible handwriting and the smears of blood, it appears that as the guitarist began the long and occult-sounding riff at the beginning of "Balrog Wings/Balrogs Don't Have Wings", a portal of some sort opened above the stage and many people were sucked therin. Here my words end, save for fragments such as "horrible", "suffer", and "We cannot get out".

And after this, all this humble reporter can say is to go see The Argonath on tour if you possibly can, you will not regret it.

Signing off to bind my arm and clip letters out of this newspaper to spell my new favorite band's name with,
Your Friend
"Pickles" McSpankypants.

05-02-2007, 03:27 PM	#13
Oddwen Drummer in the Deep Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Next Sunday A.D. Posts: 2,145	Too much fun. The Argonath: The Awesome-Tastic Namarie Tour by Alfredo Norman "Pickles" McSpankypants-Winthorpe of Long Grange South III Jr. This evening marked the ninetieth stop of the band "The Argonath" on their farewell tour, ineptly titled "We Are More Awesome-Tasticular Than You!". The antics of the band were many and varied, ranging from the physically disturbing to the mentally deranged, and every shade in between. The opening act Sgt. Saucie's Shiny Pan Club Band was a hit amongst the kiddies, playing their bawdy and jolly tune "We All Post On A Green and Black Forum" five times in succession, changing merely the tempo in an attempt to hack it. Finally, the headlining band took the stage, and began their ninetieth stop on the tour with a bang as the guitarist fell off the stage. Nine helpful people set him back upright, and sheepishly, almost cajolingly, they opened with their hit "I Can Stand Up Better Than You, Dumbface". The police were called in fifteen seperate and distinct times, but the same number of times were beaten back by walls of sound and strange nearly-invisible creatures summoned by the lead singer with the blood of one of their fans and their guitarist's "special" guitar, which looked more to this reporter like a sacrificial knife, as it had no amplifier cord. Or strings. "I'm baffled," confessed Mme. Oromin Uialwen loudly. "I came here because it was supposed to be the most fan-tastic-abular thing ever, but I never expected for them to steal my blood! I want my mommy and a tourniquet!" "We're baffled," shouted an irate policeman, the name of which we did not catch as he could not seem to yell very loudly with smashed bass guitar around his neck. "We keep getting more and more people with missing limbs down at the station - and I for one am getting suspicious." The band, which consists of two grey statues with one uplifted arm each, played for several hours, in which time seven people collapsed from blood loss. Only once was their magnanimous performance interrupted, when a man leapt with superhuman strength onto the stage and attempted to wrest a guitar from one of the backup players and play it. It took eight men and D.C.I. Lalwende, but finally the man was dragged offstage. We were not able to get a name. The Argonath's arguably biggest hit ever "Flood Posting" began with a creschendo of kazoos building up a wave of sound that flattened nearby mountains, and ended with a buzzing of pipes and small squashed frogs went over very well, even bringing tears to a few eyes. "It was beautiful," sobbed a Mr. Elf Warrior. "I've loved this band ever since their first album came out, and I watch all of their shows. I have all of their albums. I cut pictures out of magazines. I take newspapers and clip the letters out of them to spell their names and paste them on my walls. I quit my job to see this show." Mr. Warrior then ran off towards the stage and began to mosh uncontrollably, and violently. The musical talents of The Argonath are undeniable, mostly due to the fact that their drummer has six legs and is able to play both percussion and a gramaphone simultaneously. Most of the fans whom we asked were not overly adverse to this physical deformity, indeed the drummer seemed to be much loved and coddled over as a young child's teddy bear never was. "Hubba hubba," we quote from a young lady named Diamond18. But every six-legged drummer has their enemies, as is evidenced by our next quote from a one-legged moderator named Norman. Or Mormegil. We couldn't hear anything and are making a lot of this up. "This is outrageous," said Mormegil. "I donated my leg to a very reputable charity in the assurance that it would go to a small cute child, and there it is on a troublesome stone drummer! The authorities shall hear of this!" At this Mr. Mormegil began approaching the stage, but at the same moment a nearly invisible creature grabbed him and dragged him screaming into a newly opened crevasse in the earth. At this point, this reporter was overcome by the weed smoked by the hobbit next to me, and my notes are all muddled. From my horrible handwriting and the smears of blood, it appears that as the guitarist began the long and occult-sounding riff at the beginning of "Balrog Wings/Balrogs Don't Have Wings", a portal of some sort opened above the stage and many people were sucked therin. Here my words end, save for fragments such as "horrible", "suffer", and "We cannot get out". And after this, all this humble reporter can say is to go see The Argonath on tour if you possibly can, you will not regret it. Signing off to bind my arm and clip letters out of this newspaper to spell my new favorite band's name with, Your Friend "Pickles" McSpankypants. __________________ But all the while I sit and think of times there were before I listen for returning feet and voices at the door Last edited by Oddwen; 05-02-2007 at 03:32 PM.