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Lalwendë · 03-26-2007, 02:58 PM

The real controversy in The Shire arose some time after Samwise retired from his 49 year glorious reign as mayor (having revolutionised Shire society and turned it into a genuine 'meritocracy', so some political commentators say). His period in office had been contested by various otherwise quite decent candidates drawn from the Squire classes of The Shire, all of whom had failed, and eventually it was time to evaluate their traditional position, which mostly consisted of paying as little as possible to help with regeneration of The Shire and rescinding membership of the Western alliance (much muttering often went on in the gentlehobbits' club, Whine's, about 'ruddy foreigners' and so forth).

So the time came to change direction for the traditional Squirites. They trawled the ranks and settled on one young Faramir Took, child of the landed gentry, yet newly married into the exceedingly wealthy (though a little suspiciously 'nouveaux' - they even used napkin rings at Bag End, a terrible sign of their class pretensions) Gardner family. Still, his marriage was a public sign that he was not such a 'toff' any longer.

Young Faramir, with his trendy eco-horse (it was bred especially not to pass wind and add to the growing methane problem depleting the ozone layer above the Tower Hills), and his nice-boy looks was a winning choice. But all was not as it seemed. Someone leaked pictures of old Delvingian boy Faramir in his days at Tuckborough University, where he was a member of the Winyardon Club, an ancient 'dining club' devoted to dressing up in stuffed shirts and wearing feathers in their caps (these outfits costing the outrageous sum of 300 Groats a piece - the price of a really decent second hand horse! [though not a super-duper eco-horse]). They were renowned for their exploits in which they would smash the windows of local hostelries and then fling fistfuls of Groats at the owner as they left, puking their way down to Frogmorton or wherever, smashing more windows as they went, pinching wenches' bottoms and singing raucous Golfimbul songs with lots of blue language.

This revelation naturally caused outrage, not least as the controversial Squirite Bovis Bolger, editor of The Snifter, high-class, Squirite 'comment' journal, was also a member of the Winyardon Club at the same time.

It then emerged that the dashing young Took was in fact managed behind the scenes by the sinister Grimy Cotton, the shiny-skinned publicity guru spawned by an illicit liaison between one Grima and a Cotton girl, but very much the self-made Hobbit (and uncannily like Samwise's quite sinister 'advisor' Alasdogo Campbaggins). He was fond of going out without his neckerchief as it looked more 'casual', a style which the young Took quickly took up (together with his eco-horse, which, incidentally was always followed by a grass-guzzling 4x4 armoured Shire Horse containing his business breeches and a nicely pressed neckerchief, plus a couple of overly muscular Shirriff minders). And it also turned out that the young Took actually believed in nothing much at all, and took all his cues from Grimy Cotton. Just a couple of years ago he had been saying "let's ban all these Orcs!" and now he was saying "let's be nice to them!".

The funniest moment came however, when after young Faramir Took was filmed delivering an infamous speech at the Squirite Conference in which he said "These Hobbityobs are actually quite fluffy young Hobbits, and they only wear Hooded Cloaks to fit in. Let's Hug A Hobbityob!" A few months down the line Took went down to Scary, a quite deprived area of The Shire, for a bit of a 'picture-opportunity' (as advised by Grimy Cotton). He was walking down the street next to the derelict smials, without a neckerchief, naturally, when one young Hobbityob emerged behind him and pretended to hoist an imaginary sword aloft in a "kill" pose. It gave satirists in the Hobbit newspapers much material for humour for all of two days, until it emerged that said Hobbityob was really not in need of a 'Hug' at all. Waynodo Chavinns, it turned out, was well known for stealing apples from elderly Hobbit ladies and had a conviction for possession of a replica sword.

The good people of The Shire began to become disillusioned and didn't know who to vote for as next Mayor. The slightly odd Faramir Took and his sinister adviser or some more of the same old same old and vote in another grinning Gardner?

***

More revelations will possibly follow on about former political heavyweights of The Shire - such as Lobelia Thatchering, Johngo "Cones" Majorfoot, Johngo "Two Ponies" Presgins, and maybe even Davbo Blunderbuss and his wandering hands...

03-26-2007, 02:58 PM	#14
Lalwendë A Mere Boggart Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: under the bed Posts: 4,737	The real controversy in The Shire arose some time after Samwise retired from his 49 year glorious reign as mayor (having revolutionised Shire society and turned it into a genuine 'meritocracy', so some political commentators say). His period in office had been contested by various otherwise quite decent candidates drawn from the Squire classes of The Shire, all of whom had failed, and eventually it was time to evaluate their traditional position, which mostly consisted of paying as little as possible to help with regeneration of The Shire and rescinding membership of the Western alliance (much muttering often went on in the gentlehobbits' club, Whine's, about 'ruddy foreigners' and so forth). So the time came to change direction for the traditional Squirites. They trawled the ranks and settled on one young Faramir Took, child of the landed gentry, yet newly married into the exceedingly wealthy (though a little suspiciously 'nouveaux' - they even used napkin rings at Bag End, a terrible sign of their class pretensions) Gardner family. Still, his marriage was a public sign that he was not such a 'toff' any longer. Young Faramir, with his trendy eco-horse (it was bred especially not to pass wind and add to the growing methane problem depleting the ozone layer above the Tower Hills), and his nice-boy looks was a winning choice. But all was not as it seemed. Someone leaked pictures of old Delvingian boy Faramir in his days at Tuckborough University, where he was a member of the Winyardon Club, an ancient 'dining club' devoted to dressing up in stuffed shirts and wearing feathers in their caps (these outfits costing the outrageous sum of 300 Groats a piece - the price of a really decent second hand horse! [though not a super-duper eco-horse]). They were renowned for their exploits in which they would smash the windows of local hostelries and then fling fistfuls of Groats at the owner as they left, puking their way down to Frogmorton or wherever, smashing more windows as they went, pinching wenches' bottoms and singing raucous Golfimbul songs with lots of blue language. This revelation naturally caused outrage, not least as the controversial Squirite Bovis Bolger, editor of The Snifter, high-class, Squirite 'comment' journal, was also a member of the Winyardon Club at the same time. It then emerged that the dashing young Took was in fact managed behind the scenes by the sinister Grimy Cotton, the shiny-skinned publicity guru spawned by an illicit liaison between one Grima and a Cotton girl, but very much the self-made Hobbit (and uncannily like Samwise's quite sinister 'advisor' Alasdogo Campbaggins). He was fond of going out without his neckerchief as it looked more 'casual', a style which the young Took quickly took up (together with his eco-horse, which, incidentally was always followed by a grass-guzzling 4x4 armoured Shire Horse containing his business breeches and a nicely pressed neckerchief, plus a couple of overly muscular Shirriff minders). And it also turned out that the young Took actually believed in nothing much at all, and took all his cues from Grimy Cotton. Just a couple of years ago he had been saying "let's ban all these Orcs!" and now he was saying "let's be nice to them!". The funniest moment came however, when after young Faramir Took was filmed delivering an infamous speech at the Squirite Conference in which he said "These Hobbityobs are actually quite fluffy young Hobbits, and they only wear Hooded Cloaks to fit in. Let's Hug A Hobbityob!" A few months down the line Took went down to Scary, a quite deprived area of The Shire, for a bit of a 'picture-opportunity' (as advised by Grimy Cotton). He was walking down the street next to the derelict smials, without a neckerchief, naturally, when one young Hobbityob emerged behind him and pretended to hoist an imaginary sword aloft in a "kill" pose. It gave satirists in the Hobbit newspapers much material for humour for all of two days, until it emerged that said Hobbityob was really not in need of a 'Hug' at all. Waynodo Chavinns, it turned out, was well known for stealing apples from elderly Hobbit ladies and had a conviction for possession of a replica sword. The good people of The Shire began to become disillusioned and didn't know who to vote for as next Mayor. The slightly odd Faramir Took and his sinister adviser or some more of the same old same old and vote in another grinning Gardner? *** More revelations will possibly follow on about former political heavyweights of The Shire - such as Lobelia Thatchering, Johngo "Cones" Majorfoot, Johngo "Two Ponies" Presgins, and maybe even Davbo Blunderbuss and his wandering hands... __________________ Gordon's alive!