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Farael · 01-09-2007, 06:40 PM

Quantum Theory of Balrog Wings (aka, what I stole from The Might)

Introduction:
The quantum theory is based on a whole lot of extremely complex and abstract equations that give me a headache just thinking about them. Luckily for you, since I don’t know how to solve them anyway, I’ll spare you the trouble of explaining to you how they (are supposed to) work.
But, after hours of pouring over strange symbols that represent functions of functions of derivatives of a.. yes, you guessed right, function… it all boils down to this:
WE HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE ELECTRONS ARE DOING AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME, BUT WE THINK THEY MIGHT BE LOCATED IN CERTAIN AREAS AROUND THE NUCLEUS OF THE ATOM WE’LL CALL SUB-SHELLS

Sure, they talk about areas of 90% probability and electronic spins and what not… but my Physics professor put it nicely: According to this theory, there is a slight chance that I will fall right through my chair, right through the floor, right through the whole planet Earth and suddenly appear somewhere in Russia. The likelihood of something like that happening is so mind numbingly small that you shouldn’t loose much sleep over it. But if I were you, I’d learn at least a couple common sentences in Russian. Who knows? They might come handy some day.
Yet, what would be a better fit to find a definitive answer to the endless argument of whether or not Balrogs have wings than a theory that says that anything is (technically) possible? And what’s even better… the Quantum Theory was developed, for the most part, without relying on any experiments. It was a pure theoretical work that then, as scientists started trying it out on their experiments, worked out to give good results. But it also means that I (luckily) will not have to go Balrog hunting.

Let me tell you, that can be a rather painful experience. This one time I was hanging out with good ol’ Nilpaurion Felagund and he said “hey! Let’s go hunt a Balrog!”. I should have known from his werewolfing “style” that there was something fishy about it. If any of you have seen him play that game, you will know that he has suicidal tendencies. (In game, and as a jest, this by no means is meant to reflect my opinion of Nilp for real). I was a little confused when he said we’d need no weapons other than his “Balrog annoying kit” which consisted of a bucket of cold water, some matches and a Gandalf-toy that kept repeating “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” every three seconds. The toy never made it too far, I tossed it down the Brandywine River half-way through our journey.
To make a long story short, you see my lovely sun-tan? Well, it’s not. I was scorched by that dratted creature. And the worst part was that I was so afraid that I forgot to check if it had wings! If I had known about TSME by then…
Anyway, where was I? oh, yeah…

Results
NONE!! This is an exercise on abstract thought, since I’m too lazy to go find myself a Balrog for studying.

Conclusions
Balrogs have wings. Most of the time. It is stated clearly by Professor Tolkien and I will not have my point argued. Unless you decide to write an article arguing for it. Then you will get to argue it, but I’ll still be right ‘cos I’m stubborner than you. Yes, you know who you are.
Yet, just like Electrons around the nucleus of an Atom, this does not happen all the time. By a process that I shall conveniently call “a quantum mechanism” and purposefully neglect to explain how it actually works, there is a chance that at any given point in time, a Balrog will have no wings.
Furthermore, there is also a chance that both statements will be true. Some purists argue that having wings but at the same time not having wings can only mean that they have vestigial wings. For me, it is rather clear that they have only one wing. Thus they do not have wings they have wing.
Finally, there is a chance that both statements will be wrong. Thus they will neither have wings, nor they will have no wings. By double negative, this is a situation much like the previous one and thus it implies that at this point in time, the Balrog will have a single wing.
Whether or not a single-winged Balrog can fly, and furthermore, how fast it can do so if at all will be a matter for subsequent study.
Annex I
The theory of sudden disappearance of peoples mediated by the Internet Ether.
We have all experienced episodes where we are talking to a friend online through our Palantir Messenger and suddenly they vanish into thin air (or perhaps a random sequence of 0’s and 1’s). I have thus developed a formula that explains this strange phenomenom.
I=g2g
I hope this helps clear the mistery.

01-09-2007, 06:40 PM	#15
Farael Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: In hospitals, call rooms and (rarely) my apartment. Posts: 1,538	Quantum Theory of Balrog Wings (aka, what I stole from The Might) Introduction: The quantum theory is based on a whole lot of extremely complex and abstract equations that give me a headache just thinking about them. Luckily for you, since I don’t know how to solve them anyway, I’ll spare you the trouble of explaining to you how they (are supposed to) work. But, after hours of pouring over strange symbols that represent functions of functions of derivatives of a.. yes, you guessed right, function… it all boils down to this: *WE HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE ELECTRONS ARE DOING AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME, BUT WE THINK THEY MIGHT BE LOCATED IN CERTAIN AREAS AROUND THE NUCLEUS OF THE ATOM WE’LL CALL SUB-SHELLS* Sure, they talk about areas of 90% probability and electronic spins and what not… but my Physics professor put it nicely: According to this theory, there is a slight chance that I will fall right through my chair, right through the floor, right through the whole planet Earth and suddenly appear somewhere in Russia. The likelihood of something like that happening is so mind numbingly small that you shouldn’t loose much sleep over it. But if I were you, I’d learn at least a couple common sentences in Russian. Who knows? They might come handy some day. Yet, what would be a better fit to find a definitive answer to the endless argument of whether or not Balrogs have wings than a theory that says that anything is (technically) possible? And what’s even better… the Quantum Theory was developed, for the most part, without relying on any experiments. It was a pure theoretical work that then, as scientists started trying it out on their experiments, worked out to give good results. But it also means that I (luckily) will not have to go Balrog hunting. Let me tell you, that can be a rather painful experience. This one time I was hanging out with good ol’ Nilpaurion Felagund and he said “hey! Let’s go hunt a Balrog!”. I should have known from his werewolfing “style” that there was something fishy about it. If any of you have seen him play that game, you will know that he has suicidal tendencies. (In game, and as a jest, this by no means is meant to reflect my opinion of Nilp for real). I was a little confused when he said we’d need no weapons other than his “Balrog annoying kit” which consisted of a bucket of cold water, some matches and a Gandalf-toy that kept repeating “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” every three seconds. The toy never made it too far, I tossed it down the Brandywine River half-way through our journey. To make a long story short, you see my lovely sun-tan? Well, it’s not. I was scorched by that dratted creature. And the worst part was that I was so afraid that I forgot to check if it had wings! If I had known about TSME by then… Anyway, where was I? oh, yeah… Results NONE!! This is an exercise on abstract thought, since I’m too lazy to go find myself a Balrog for studying. Conclusions Balrogs have wings. Most of the time. It is stated clearly by Professor Tolkien and I will not have my point argued. Unless you decide to write an article arguing for it. Then you will get to argue it, but I’ll still be right ‘cos I’m stubborner than you. Yes, you know who you are. Yet, just like Electrons around the nucleus of an Atom, this does not happen all the time. By a process that I shall conveniently call “a quantum mechanism” and purposefully neglect to explain how it actually works, there is a chance that at any given point in time, a Balrog will have no wings. Furthermore, there is also a chance that both statements will be true. Some purists argue that having wings but at the same time not having wings can only mean that they have vestigial wings. For me, it is rather clear that they have only one wing. Thus they do not have wings they have wing. Finally, there is a chance that both statements will be wrong. Thus they will neither have wings, nor they will have no wings. By double negative, this is a situation much like the previous one and thus it implies that at this point in time, the Balrog will have a single wing. Whether or not a single-winged Balrog can fly, and furthermore, how fast it can do so if at all will be a matter for subsequent study. Annex I The theory of sudden disappearance of peoples mediated by the Internet Ether. We have all experienced episodes where we are talking to a friend online through our Palantir Messenger and suddenly they vanish into thin air (or perhaps a random sequence of 0’s and 1’s). I have thus developed a formula that explains this strange phenomenom. I=g2g I hope this helps clear the mistery. __________________ I prepared Explosive Runes this morning.