BL-EX-11.8: This is good; I would make one small change:
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Not long before {they}Beren and Lúthien came at last back to the borders of Doriath he asked her why she {did so}used his tongue, since her own tongue was richer and more beautiful.
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BL-EX-16.2: I think you missed an alteration to past tense here:
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<LT In great gloom {do}did they find King {Tinwelint}[Thingol], yet suddenly {is}was his sorrow melted to tears of gladness
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BL-EX-17.3: There is a missing Tinwelint > Thingol here:
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‘No need is there thereof, for behold that jewel is even now nigh to thy caverns,’ and he made clear to {Tinwelint}[Thingol] that that beast that ravaged his land was none other than {Karkaras}[Carcharoth],
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BL-EX-17.5: I'm not sure about this:
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a mighty weapon {captured}[profen] in battle with the distant Orcs
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I assume you mean "proven" - but I'm not sure whether it is no longer valid for the Elves to have "captured" a weapon in battle with the Orcs. I suppose that in light of the changes in the characterization of Thingol's realm, the change might be justified.
BL-EX-18:
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Mablung took out Beren’s right hand – his kamba, still holding the Silmaril and by its protection unmortified and clean.
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The explanatory interjection "his
kamba" looks to me like it's out of place in a narrative, as opposed to an essay. I would delete it.
Similarly, the note concerning the meaning of Mablung's name feels out of place. Perhaps (and I'm surprised I'm suggesting this) a footnote would be a better place for this information.
BL-EX-18.3:
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Then {holding it out }he said: ‘Behold O King,’
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Why is "holding it out" deleted?
BL-EX-18.7: I would make this:
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Therefore now they raised Beren gently up and tended him and washed him, and he breathed, but he spoke not nor opened his eyes, and when the sun {arose}[set] and they had rested a little they bore him as softly as might be upon a bier of boughs back through the woodlands
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It seems to me that this:
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They bore back Beren Camlost son of Barahir upon a bier of branches with Huan the wolfhound at his side; and night fell ere they returned to Menegroth.
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Is a redundant restatement of what has just been inserted from LT. I would delete it.