[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

It's terribly bad form to post a reply to myself, I know; but this thread deserves far more apocryphal FAQ entries.

Q: How long did it take Tolkien to write The Lord of the Rings?

A: Its length is deceptive, since Tolkien was a genius. It took him thirteen weeks to write and a further month to revise for publication. It would have taken less time, but he originally wrote it in Hebrew and had to translate.

Q: Are any of the locations in Middle-earth based on real places?

A: Yes. Gondolin is a pastiche of the picturesque Berkshire village of Staines; Tol Eressëa is Manhattan Island, and Barad-dûr is intended to represent the Eiffel Tower.

Q: Where can I find a copy of Tolkien's letters?

A: Tolkien's letters are unpublished. Some people were lucky enough to receive letters from him, but most of the quotations you will see on the internet have been made up to win arguments.

Q: What is the Silmarillion?

A: It's a detailed sylistic critique of a progressive rock group, and was originally entitled Silly Marillion. The corruption is due to a typographical error in the first edition that was never corrected.

Q: I've heard that Tolkien was interested in Old English: what is that?

A: Old English is old-fashioned or long-winded English, such as you will find in nineteenth-century legal journals. Tolkien liked the style because it made it more difficult for people to understand what he was saying.

Q: On what date was Frodo's birthday?

A: January the eighteenth. This is the Feast of St. Spurius in the Julian calendar.

Q: I've seen a book called Sir Gawain and the Green Knight with Tolkien's name on the cover: what is that?

A: Sadly, when an author reaches Tolkien's stature he acquires many imitators; and some are unscrupulous enough to use his name to promote their own fiction. E.V. Gordon was such a man, and his lightweight fairy-tale about the king of the land of Blancmangia and his transformation into a beetle was mistakenly attributed to Tolkien for decades.