Quote:
|
Originally Posted by littlemanpoet
Formy: That was deftly handled post.
|
Aye! T'was!
Quote:
|
I like that Elessar shows concern for Mellondu himself, and that the Elves are surprised by this.
|
Agreed.
Quote:
|
One remonstration I might make is that Elessar has no words for Mellondu's father. That simply should not be.
|
Agreed; in fact he would greet Father first; Mellondu is practically a minor. Elessar would verify (1) that Father was freely releasing his son and (2) that Father approved of Erebemlin's taking the boy. But before all that, Elessar would first honor Father's age and service.
Quote:
|
Maybe Elessar leaves his throne too soon.... ? ......
|
Inserting the conversation with Mellondu's Father would alleviate most of that, I think.
Ah, and now lmp wields his axe:
Quote:
Instead of
Quote:
"There is no friendship any more,"
I would write
Quote:
"There is friendship no longer,"
|
Hah! While I would write "There is friendship no more."
Shorter still! 
(Poor Formie, caught between a lmpRock and a markHardPlace.)
Quote:
|
I think Arwen's first words are a bit abrupt, actually.
|
This might be allayed if Elessar has a conversation with Father, first.
Quote:
|
Besides, she would know through her osanwe whether he can or cannot see such a thing.
|
Maybe-- but maybe not; remember Mellondu's mind is snapped as hard-shut (against Amroth!!) as he can get it. Erebemlin is mostly shut out; I think Arwen would be, too. And that would make this whole scene taste a little different.
Quote:
|
Please do understand that I think you have made a very, very good effort at a very difficult post to write at a top notch level; I hope I'm helping you get it there.
|
Oh, aye. Take the tips, Formendacil-- lmp's a good coach. I should know.
Quote:
|
"So many strange things have chanced that to learn the praise of a fair lady under the loving strokes of a dwarf's axe will seem no great wonder."
|
Not that I'm calling lmp a dwarf, mind. But he
does wield a mean axe.
