[Maeggaladiel]

Sauron slammed a gauntleted fist down on the dashboard, causing the Morgoth dashboard bobblehead to shake violently.

"MOUTH!!" Sauron bellowed. "I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER TELLING YOU TO RUN THE HORSES OVER!!"

Mouth cringed at the noise.

"I tried to, O Evil One," Mouth said through clenched teeth. "But somehow they got inside."

"I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SO MANY CREATURES CAN WEASEL THEIR WAY INTO MY IMPREGNABLE MOUNTAIN FORTRESS OF DOOM!!!" Sauron complained, resting his elbows on the dash and cradling his helmeted head in his hands. "I SWEAR, SOMETIMES IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ONE GO MAD." He sighed haggardly and looked at a security screen, seeing the horses chase down and devour random orcs and the occasional Rat Wraith that was too slow to get out of their way. He frowned, although Mouth couldn't tell because he was still wearing the helmet. "AND ANYWAY, AREN'T HORSES SUPPOSED TO BE VEGETARIANS?"

"It would appear that these are man-eating horses, My Lord," Mouth remarked casually.

Sauron nodded, as though this were the most normal thing in the world.

"THEN IT IS SIMPLE," he said. "ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS INVENT THE BAZOOKA AND DISPOSE OF THEM."

"I don't think so, My Lord."

"YOU ARE RIGHT. IT WOULD BE MUCH BETTER TO INVENT THE GUIDED MISSILE LAUNCHER."

Mouth sighed.

"NO, My Most Evil and Highly Audible Master."

Saruon's eye sockets glowed dangerously.

"WHY NOT?" he demanded.

"The horses have just eaten our Invention Department." Mouth tapped the monitor, where a series of lab coats lay on the ground, with bits of orc scattered around them. "We can't invent things ourselves anymore due to labor union issues."

"BLAST," cursed Sauron. "OH WELL. I HAVE A BETTER IDEA. COME ALONG, MOUTH."

**************************************

A few moments later, Sauron and Mouth were standing in the engine room. A small, terrified orc lay before them. The creature was bound and had an apple shoved in its mouth, and Sauron and Mouth had placed him on a large silver platter and surrounded him with a delectable-looking vegetable medley.

"Tell me again why we're serving up our engine crew," Mouth asked. He picked up a large red bottle that was next to the orc. "And why we're giving them our best wine."

"SIMPLE," Sauron said. "WE'VE CREATED A VERY FORMAL DINING EXPERIENCE HERE."

"Yes, I noticed you've set out a tablecloth and have added a candelabra."

"AND NATURALLY, YOU CAN'T EXPECT TO HAVE A NICE ROAST WITHOUT A GLASS OF WINE TO ACCOMPANY IT." The orc looked ill.

"I'VE POISONED THE WINE, YOU SEE," Sauron continued. "WHEN THE HORSE COMES UP TO EAT... UM... WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS?"

He took the apple out of the orc's mouth.

"Waturs, sir!" the orc squeaked. Saruon shoved the apple back in.

"WHEN THE HORSES COME TO EAT MR. WATURS HERE, THEY'LL HELP THEMSELVES TO THE WINE. VIOLA! NO MORE HORSES!" He puffed himself up proudly. "SOMETIMES I'M SO BRILLIANT I SCARE MYSELF."

Thus saying, Sauron shoved the wine, the orc-roast, and a pair of wine glasses out into the room where the horses were feasting. He and Mouth hid behind an overturned table and watched.

The horse walked up to Waturs. It sniffed him. Waturs looked terrified.

"YEEESSSS," Sauron whispered, or at least yelled slightly less loudly. "GO ON..."

The horse sniffed the wine.

"THAT'S RIGHT..."

The horse ate up Mr. Waturs and left.

"CONFOUND IT!! HAVE YOU NO MANNERS AT ALL!?! I OFFER YOU WINE AND YOU REJECT IT!!" Sauron jumped up and down furiously. Mouth patted him on the shoulder.

"Well sir," he said. "You know what they say. You can lead a horse to Waturs, but you can't make him drink."

"MOUTH."

"Yes my lord?"

"SHUT UP."

**************************

Ten minutes later, Saruon and Mouth had concocted Plan C.

"Hey horses!" Yelled Mouth. "Look what we've got!" He pointed to the large wooden crate next to him. The horses walked forwards curiously.

"VIOLA! THE ONLY THING CAPABLE OF TAMING UNRULY HORSES!" Saruon opened the crate. Ten creatures walked out and reached for the horses.

Fifteen minutes later, the beasts were harnessed and were pulling Mount Zoom along.

"Wow," Mouth said. "It actually worked."

"YEP," Sauron replied. "IN EVERY HORSE MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN, ALL IT TAKES TO CALM THEM DOWN IS TO GET AN EMOTIONALLY-DISTURBED TEENAGE OR PRE-TEEN GIRL ON THE SCENE. WE HAVE SOME BONDING MOMENTS, SOME ANGST, SOME EMOTIONAL RIDING SEQUENCES, AND PRESTO! GRAND FINALE! NICE HORSIES!!"

"Except, what are we going to do with all these teenagers?" Mouth asked warily, as a handful of said teens were now setting up makeover stations around the volcano.

"THE HORSES ARE STILL MANEATERS, AND WE'LL HAVE TO FEED THEM EVENTUALLY!" Sauron replied cheerfully. "AND NOW, WE HEAD NORTHWEST!!"