[The Elf-warrior]

(Aragorn dreams that Arwen is lying unconscious.)

Arwen: (v.o) "I choose a mortal life, especially since Elrond is so cranky. Too bad I'll never see Aragorn again." (Cries.)

(Aragorn sees the Evenstar pendant fall and shatter in six hundred thirty five pieces. He awakes with a start, brandishing a pike.)

Aragorn: "Qui va la?"

Guard: "Eh!"

Aragon: "Pardon me! It's French for 'Who goes there?'"

Guard: "Your French is dreadful my lord. It should be ‘Pardon’ and it means ‘excuse me.’ Lord Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, Theoden King of Rohan, son of Thengel, son of Fengel doth desire your presence in his tent."

Aragorn: "I shall perambulate over posthaste."

Guard: "Wot!"

Aragorn: "I'll walk over to his tent!"

Theoden: (Pointing to a hooded and cloaked figure.) "Do you have any idea who this cranky old man is?"

Aragorn: "Elrond."

Theoden: "Do you know him?"

Aragorn: "Know him? Nah! He's only the father of my betrothed and my foster father."

Theoden: "I beg your pardon, sir."

Aragorn: "My foster father!"

Theoden: "Sir, I understood every word you said. I was just begging your pardon for asking a question that apparently annoyed you."

Aragorn: "Who, me, annoyed? Inconceivable!"

Theoden: "I shall take my leave, sir"

Aragorn: "It's none of my business what you do with your leave, Theoden."

(Theoden walks out shaking his head.)

Aragorn: "Greetings and salutations, lord Elrond of Rivendell."

Elrond: "Quit standing on ceremony!"

Aragorn: "Where is it? I don’t see it anywhere."

Elrond: “Where is what!”

Aragorn: “Ceremony.”

Elrond: “Quit acting so stuck up! It would be a compliment to call you a moron, you smart-mouth brat!”

Aragorn: “Yo, what’s up, Elrond?”

Elrond: "Arrgh! Arwen is sick in bed, Elfstone!"

Aragorn: "Unconscious?"

Elrond: "How did you guess that?"

Aragorn: "From her posture."

Elrond: "What are you talking about?"

Aragorn: "I saw her in my dream before the guard summoned me here."

Elrond: "Arwen is dying."

Aragorn: (Under his breath.) "Figures with the way he treats her."

Elrond: "What did you just say?”

Aragorn: "Figureswiththewayhetreatsher!"

Elrond: "Are you implying that I am less than a good father to my daughter?"

Aragorn: "No. I am explicitly stating so."

Elrond: "Don’t be contrary with me! She will not long survive the spreading evil of Mordor because Sauron has tied her fate to that of the Ring."

Aragorn: "One those not walk into Rivendell and tie my betrothed’s fate to an inanimate, or semi-inanimate object actually. Rivendell is guarded by Vil..."

Elrond: (Covering Aragorn’s mouth.) “You mustn’t speak of such things. The Shadow is upon us! Doom is come!”

Aragorn: “It’s his doom that’s coming.”

Elrond: “I wish I could share your optimism but I’ve been around a lot longer than you. You know Sauron is marching on Minas Tirith…”

Aragorn: “I had no idea.”

Elrond: “Shut up! This is serious! Sauron AKA Annatar AKA Artano AKA Aulendil AKA Gorthaur, who calls himself Lord of the Earth, is also attacking Minas Tirith via the Anduin River from the south with a fleet of black-sailed Corsair ships. They shall arrive at Minas Tirith in two days.”

Aragorn: “If Sauron himself is marching to Minas Tirith that means he has the Ring and we’re doomed.”

Elrond: “I was talking about his armies coming from Mordor! You need more men.”

Aragorn: “There are none.”

Elrond: “What! What about the men of Lossarnach?”

Aragorn: “They got lost.”

Elrond: “What about the men of Ringló Vale?”

Aragorn: “They went to a Beatles concert.”

Elrond: “What about the men of the Paths of the Dead?”

Aragorn: (Gasps.) “They are loyal to nobody, not even the Dark Lord! Are you nuts?”

Elrond: “They will answer to the King of Gondor.” (Pulls out Anduril.)

Aragorn: “You wouldn’t murder your daughter’s betrothed, would you?”

Elrond: “Stop your fretting! This is Anduril, Flame of the West, forged from the shards of Narsil and it’s all yours!”

Aragorn: “At last! Yippee! (Sings:) You will curse the day you did not do all that the Elfstone asked of you!”

Elrond: “The new patented E@E process is ten times stronger than the nearest competitor and resists corrosion five times better than Rustbegone and the five year limited warranty gives you the confidence you need to defeat the Dark Lord!”

Aragorn: “Speak the speech, I pray you, trippingly on the tongue as I pronounced it to you. But if you mouth it, like many of your players do, I had as lief the town crier spoke my lines.”

Elrond: “Put aside the bad attitude. Become who you were born to be! Take the Dimholt Road.”

Aragorn: “Feed a cold,”

Elrond: “Starve a fever. Good-bye.”