[Envinyatar]

In the Halls of Waiting . . .


Where are you?

Her question hung in the air, in the light. And they moved forward, toward her, awkward in these new forms. Gone were the familiar shapes, or rather changed were the ways in which they now viewed themselves. Unhoused fëar still, yet there was less apprehension as they moved through the light filled spaces, and the subtle harmonies and strains no longer jarred.

They were naked in these rare surroundings. Or at lease they felt so. As if each passing other could see and judge them. Unworthy . . . defiled . . . profane . . . And yet, none who did pass drew back as if from something foul. And such was a wonder to them.

In some space of time, they drew near her; though, the question she had asked seemed still to hang in the air. They rejoiced at the sight of her, for she seemed much the same . . . familiar and comforting in her ordinariness.

They would have rushed to her, as they had so often done in other times. But now between them and her stood a being of splendor and light and power beyond any they might conceive. And he was chastising her!

Small as they felt, still they rose up in her defense.

‘Begging your pardon, my Lord.’ The hesitant voice of Calëlindo intruded into the space left by Nàmo’s question. ‘It wasn’t her abandoned husband and family.’ The other two crowded in close about him, murmuring their agreement. Calëlindo went on, his voice a little less timorous. ‘All those years as she was trapped in death on that grace-forsaken isle, and still didn’t she keep her thoughts on her dear husband and plan for his homecoming, though it took a good several ages for him to get round to returning.’ His voice trailed off. Nàmo’s expression showed neither acceptance nor rejection of what he said.

‘Go on!’ whispered the other two of his companions, crowding him even closer.

He didn’t want to sound petty or foolish to the Lord of Mandos, but still he felt he should know the facts. ‘And when he did get round to coming home, didn’t he bring some old girl of his he was always sweet on.’

There, he’d said it, and he was still intact. He held a hushed conference with his fellows and stepped forward a little further.

‘She didn’t bind us to her side . . . Sir.’ He glanced with a certain measure of fondness toward Giledhel as she stood before the Vala. His voice wavered, as if with sorrow and regret. With an effort he mastered the new, unfamiliar emotions and his voice, though quieter with his next words, grew stronger in intent.

‘We murdered her . . . in her bedchamber. And it was a deed most foully done.’

He stifled a sob at the telling of it, even as his companions wept. ‘No amount of apology, sincere as it might be, can excuse this dreadful, hideous thing we did. We despoiled her and as she died we laughed, her blood staining the stones at the foot of her marriage bed.’ He paused for a moment recalling the sequence of events. ‘And then, at the hands of the fortress guards, we too, met our deaths, in the same chamber in which she met hers.’

‘She didn’t bind us to her . . .’ he said again. ‘Save if you call her forgiveness of our deeds against her some sort of binding. And if that’s so, then "yes" we are bound tight to her.’

‘We don’t feel she misled us, either, my Lord. Her mind grew a little . . . hazy . . . as the years passed. Things seemed to slip away from her more easily. We tried, in our way to serve her. And for her part she was always kind to us and taught us what she thought we should know. Though I think her mind slipped more and more as the uncountable days went on, and now I wonder how she really saw us.’

He hesitated for length of time, and quiet filled in the spaces of that little tableau. ‘It’s not her fault,’ he began in her defense when he spoke again. Then thinking better of it, he continued in a different vein. ‘It was our fault, from the first, that all this came to pass with her. Let us take the blame.’ He looked again toward Giledhel. ‘We are not those poor, misled creatures you spoke of, my Lord. She was only kind to us, and we are richer for it.'