[Hookbill the Goomba]

"Now is the winter of our discontent!" came the cry from the operating theatre. Hookbill was cast onto the stage face first. He looked up to see an operating table on witch laid Sai, with bruises on her head. Several Orcs, dressed in green aprons and white facemasks, surrounded the table and seemed to be checking the equipment.

Hookbill pointed up towards the wall. "Look over there!" he cried, as they looked he turned and ran, but was thrown to the floor by the nurse who then dragged him up to the table. Slowly he stood and looked at the table of medical instruments. Not a single euphonium.

Sai began to move, and one of the Orcs shouted, "More anaesthetic!" Nothing happened, "I mean, 'I begeth thee, oh gentlemen of this fair land, pray let us send our patient to slumber while we cure the aliments!" with that, the Orcs all grabbed what they could and began hitting Sai on the head until she fell unconscious. Hookbill stepped in and stopped them.

"Alright," he said, "I'll operate, just stop hitting the patients! Do you hear? No more hitting!" An Orc, who was poised over Félin lowered his staff and frowned as the dwarf struggled in the bonds that tied him to an audience chair. "So what are we doing here?" asked Hookbill.

"A euphonectomy," said the nurse handing him the medical textbook, "Look it up." Hookbill 'read' the book and then staggered around. He stood next to the table and held out his hand towards one of the Orcs. It spat on his hand. "Its an Orc custom," said the nurse wiping Hookbill's hand with disinfectant.

"Right," said Hookbill adjusting his collar, "scalpel," he was handed one, "tweezers..." he got to work on the operation, hoping that his patient wouldn't die, "Five inch knife... bowl... mayonnaise... wipe... blood bucket..." he worked as Félin looked on in horror. Hookbill's hands were shaking more than someone in an electric chair.

The little man closed his eyes and reached inside Sai's small intestines. He pulled out an Onion. There was a thin 'Beeeeeeeeeep' sound that swiftly stopped when he replaced it. "Why didn't you tell me that was a heart?" said Hookbill to one of the Orcs. Hookbill 'read' the textbook again. He looked again into the mess and to his lasting surprise, found what appeared for all the world to be a miniature euphonium lodged in Sai's spleen. He swiftly removed it and closed the incision up.

Hookbill fainted.

He got up in time to see Sai being lead away with the small euphonium in a bag and bandages on her head. Hookbill sighed and looked at the operating table where Félin was situated with more bruises on his head. "I thought I told you-" began Hookbill.

"He fell down the stairs," said an Orc. But Hookbill was not convinced as the other Orcs began to laugh maliciously. Feeling quite sick, Hookbill looked at the Dwarf and began to wonder what he was supposed to do. "Come on, Doctor," said the Orc, "This isn't brain surgery."

"Yes it is!" said Hookbill, "'Talking brain syndrome.'" He began to regret making that up. He picked up what looked like a small hammer and tapped it on Félin's head. The Dwaft did not move, but he heard the strange sound of beeping from within Félin's scull.

"At the sound of the tone, the time (sponsored by Ardarist) will be 3:05 and 7 seconds... Beep." came the sound from inside.

"Oh no," said Hookbill, "Now come on, this is ridiculous! I know for a fact that Talking Brain syndrome does n-" an Orc had taken the liberty of making the first incision. "Hay!" shouted Hookbill, "that’s my job!" he couldn’t believe he was saying this. The little man grabbed some clamps and held open a hole in Félin's head where they saw a small, very small, mobile telephone, with the talking clock speaking out of it.

"At the sound of the tone, the time (sponsored by Aradarist) will be 3:05 and 58 seconds... Beep."

Swiftly, Hookbill removed it and threw it into the audience, who then applauded him. Ignoring them, Hookbill closed the wound in Félin's head up and cleaned the blood off. The nurse applied some bandages.

Hookbill fainted again.

When he awoke, once again, Wilhelmina was asleep on the table. There were no buises on her head. "What happened?" asked Hookbill.

"Dave was telling her a story," said the nurse, pointing to an old Orc in a rocking chair. "Happens to everyone. It'll take a nuclear bomb to wake her up for another hour at least." Hookbill sighed and walked over to the table, picking up the Textbook and giving it a good long 'read'. He stumbled forwards and seized a scalpel, making a slight incision and peering into the bloody mess he had just made.

"There’s a lot of rubbish in here!" cried Hookbill, "What’s that? My house? And... Whose that living in it? Gandalf the Grey? Having one of his uncloaking parties again, I shouldn’t wonder!"

"You're hallucinating, Doctor." said the nurse, slapping him across the face.

"I am?" sighed Hookbill, "then where am I?"

"Mordor."

"Ohhh f-" he swore, "right then!" he closed the wound and then, accidentally, prodded Wilhelmina in the leg with the scalpel. She awoke with such a fright that her hair grew an extra inch, making the small bald spot disappear. There was a round of applause.

Hookbill fainted.

When he awoke, the little man found that he was in the office again, with a line of impatient patients waiting for him. "Oh dear," he said, "Oh dear, oh dear!" he repeated over and over. The next 'victim' entered the room.