[The Saucepan Man]

Originally Posted by Celuin

Well... Having just used the London Underground frequently for the past week (had to get my use out of that Oyster Card), I have to say that while it gets very crowded, it's sheer bliss compared to the SEPTA system around here ...

Oh Lordy! Now you have got me going ...

It appears that you were using the Underground over the period between Christmas and New Year, probably (along with July/August) its least busy period. For a significant portion of Tube-users flee London over this period and few are using it for the purpose of getting to and from work as probably less than half of all office workers are actually working over these few days.

And even then, as you state, it was crowded.

Imagine what it is like at peak periods (ie rush-hours) which are generally those times when I have the misfortune of using the infernal thing.

You can actually tell where you're going on the Underground. The directions are great. Unlike here, where I wind up counting stops from where I boarded and hoping for the best.

Yes, the directions are OK, and the Tube Map itself is (admittedly) a masterpiece of design. But if you happen to be stuck in a carriage that is more reminiscent of a cattle-truck run by animal-hating hauliers than a system of public transport, the condensation and the overcrowding on the platforms combine to make it practically impossible to tell which stop you are at. Occasionally, the driver may announce the stop over the tannoy or, if you are really lucky, an automated announcement may assist you. But since, more often than not this will be malfunctioning in some way, you generally need the aural perception of an exceptionally sharp- (and pointy-) eared Elf to tell what it is that is being said.

It's clean!

Here is something that did the rounds on e-mail a while back which you may find interesting. (Warning - not for the faint hearted or the easily offended.)

Actually, it has since been proven to be an Urban Myth.

But, even accepting that the system is comparatively clean, I would rather use something that actually gets me where I want to go in relative comfort than something that I can eat me dinner off.

You don't have to wait 15-30 minutes for your train … Trains come on time.

Not if you happen to be waiting at Wimbledon for a District Line City train between 7am and 8.30am on a weekday, when unfeasibly frequent occurrences of signalling failure somewhere along the line mean that it is often a lottery whether a train will turn up at all (or at least one which will get you to work at something approximating the time that you are meant to be there).

And, even when the trains are running on a regular basis during the rush hour, the sheer volume of people that use it means that platforms are already 4 or 5 deep when you arrive, so you have to stare blankly at 3 or 4 unimaginably crowded trains (from which no one ever seems to disembark at the station you are waiting at) before managing finally to cram yourself into a gap 2 foot by two foot when you get fed up of waiting. If you are at all like me, this is generally the point at which you start muttering bitterly under your breath and people start looking at you as if you are mad. For most have already grimly resigned themselves to the misery of the system and, as any British commuter knows, talking on a tube train, particularly to oneself, is completely taboo (speaking loudly and irritatingly into a mobile phone, so that everyone is able to hear every detail of the speaker‘s conversation, is of course a special exception to this rule).

I suppose that, outside the rush hour and barring the frequent equipment malfunctions, there are limited periods where, according to the intermittently functioning LCD display, you only have to wait a few minutes for a train …

… or so you are led to believe. But, when you enter a London Underground Station, you enter a curious world where time seems to pass in a manner quite different from anywhere else. The display may say that the next train is due to arrive in 1 minute. But in real time (as opposed to “Tube time”), it won’t arrive for another 5 minutes at least.

Hmm. I have run out of points to respond to. Just when I was getting into full swing. Oh well, nothing for it but to continue.

I cannot finish without mentioning the frequent announcements telling you that the X and Y lines are experiencing delays, but that a good service is operating on all other lines. How nice of them to keep their customers informed, you may think. Well, no. Actually. First off, as the line experiencing the delays is generally the one that you are travelling on, it is somewhat galling to be told what you already know - namely that you are going nowhere. Moreover, they seem to use some strange definition of the word “good” which I had not previously come across. For I have rarely (at the times I travel) experienced what I would regard as a “good” service anywhere on the Tube. Perhaps if they were to announce that a “barely adequate” service is operating on those lines which are not undergoing the habitual litany of delays, malfunctions, failures and malingering staff, they might be speaking closer to the truth.

Oh, and then there’s the amount that one has to pay for the “privilege” of using the “service”. This only really dawned upon me today, with the expiry of my Travelcard. It cost me £6 (US$10.5 on current rates) to purchase a return ticket for Zone 1. That’s £6 to travel two stops! £6!! OK, so you can get Travelcards, Oyster Cards and the like. But they only benefit those who travel on a regular basis.

And they want to dissuade people from using their cars??? Incroyable!

OK. Rant over.

Have I convinced you that it is a system most deserving of con(as)signation to the deepest Pits of the Plains of Gorgoroth, or perhaps even to Udun itself? It most certainly feels like one is there already when one is using it ...