[the phantom]

After Anakron was finished explaining the newest challenge, Mardil turned to Sai and asked, "Are you going to follow me?"

"Do you know the way?" she inquired.

"Yes."

"Then of course I'll ride with you, Mardil."

"I didn't say 'ride with me'- I said 'follow me'."

"But- I don't want to drive!" protested Sai. "The roads of Mordor are murder, and I am not an experienced driver!"

"Don't worry about that," said Mardil dismissively. "Just grab a PT Cruiser and pass your test. I'm sure you're good enough to do that."

"You don't understand, Mardil, I can't handle a Mordor Interstate! I'll probably die!"

"You don't have to worry about the Interstate. Trust me," he said with a wink.

"You seem to have some sort of plan, but I really wish you'd tell me so I wouldn't have to worry any more!" said Sai, feeling a bit relieved but at the same time annoyed with Mardil for teasing her with hope but not revealing what he was up to.

"The fact that I have a plan should be reason enough not to worry," countered the ever arrogant Mardil. "Now go hop in a Cruiser."

Mardil began walking over to one of the PTCs, but before he was halfway there, Alli's little French Car peeled out of the parking lot and somehow managed to spray mud on the back of his cloak despite the fact that the parking lot was paved.

Mardil removed his cloak and grabbed a passing reality tv crewman. "Get this cloak cleaned and bring it back here and wait for me. I'll be leaving but I'll be back within the hour." The crewman hesitated for a second, wondering if Mardil was allowed to give him orders. Mardil grabbed the man's tie and yanked him forward. "I am one of the stars of your program- THE star most likely, if you judge by who is likely to be the most entertaining to watch. Now, go get this cleaned- NOW!"

The man scurried off to do Mardil's bidding and Mardil continued over to the PTC he wanted. Upon reaching it, he opened the driver's door and lowered himself into the seat. A tiny orc with a clipboard was sitting in the passenger seat. "Ready for your driving test?" he squeaked.

"Certainly, but I thought it would be Lûgnût administering it," answered Mardil.

"He's busy doing her test," said the orc, pointing at the Cruiser Sai had just gotten into.

"Okay, let's get this over with," said Mardil as he turned the key. The car started just fine, but Mardil was disappointed to see that the tank was only two-thirds full. "Just a minute," said Mardil to the orc.

Mardil jumped out of the car and trotted over to the next PTC. He opened the door, leaned in, and turned the key. "Ha ha! This one is nearly full!" he thought to himself. "Come over to this car!" he shouted at the orc. "I'll take my test here!"

"You already passed!" shouted the little orc as he climbed down out of the other car.

"What?" said Mardil in disbelief.

"You know how to get in and out of a car and read the gas gauge- that's plenty good to get a license," explained the orc as he approached, holding Mardil's license in his hand.

"Are you kidding? That's lunacy!" shouted Mardil. "It's no wonder there are so many accidents and traffic jams- any idiot can get a license!"

"Are you saying that the driving test is too easy?" asked the orc, who seemed rather shocked. "I know several people who had to take their test more than once before they passed it."

"That doesn't mean the test was hard," said Mardil. "It means that they are stupid."

"My daughter had to take the test three times- are you calling her stupid?!" screamed the little orc, stamping his feet with rage.

"Yes," said Mardil. "Now, give me my license."

"Forget it! You don't get one!" With that, the orc turned around and stomped away.

Suddenly, he tripped and fell. He looked back at his foot, and saw that it was pinned firmly to the ground by one of Mardil's knives. "Yahhhh!!" he yelled, as the pain finally reached him through his slow neurological pathways.

"I passed my test," said Mardil as he approached, "So give me my license." Mardil pressed his foot down on the orc's neck and held his hand out to receive the license. With a look of sheer hatred, the orc handed it over. After examining it to make sure it was legit, Mardil removed his foot from the orc's neck and his knife from the orc's foot and strutted over to Sai, who was finished with her test as well.

"Load your spares while I talk to Anakron," he told her. "After you see me leave, wait two minutes or so and then drive half a mile down that road over there. When you see my car, park next to it. It will be on the right side of the street in an empty lot next to a used car dealership. I spotted it yesterday evening when we emerged from that hole in the park. It's right across the street from it. And also, don't mention to the reality tv people that we are going to be traveling together. Otherwise, they might think they only need to send one van with us."

"What difference does that make?" asked Sai.

"You'll see," replied Mardil, as evasive as ever.

------------

"You haven't been overly impressive thus far, Lord Mardil," said Anakron as he walked with Mardil towards his PTC.

"What are you talking about? I didn't spend any of my trolls, I arrived on time, and I rescued a damsel while I was at it," stated Mardil.

"Why did you bother with her? It was an unnecessary detour. What if something would've gone wrong? What if a stray shot had caved the tunnel in on top of you? What if you would've stumbled when the beast came after you? There are many things that could've gone wrong. You should've gotten to Edge-Where and left her alone."

"But- she was my companion. She trusted me to get her to Edge-Where, and I was just keeping up my end of the bargain!" argued Mardil.

"Your first priority should've been yourself," said Anakron firmly.

"It was," said Mardil.

"Good," said Anakron, nodding his head. "But Mardil, I have to ask- you say you rescued her out of a sense of duty, but are you sure you didn't do it because she is attractive?" asked Anakron.

"Well... I don't know. Maybe that did make me more willing to rescue her, but-"

"Would you have gone to those lengths to rescue Fléin or Wilhelmina if they had been your companions, or would you have, in the name of prudence, left them to their fate?"

After a pause, Mardil answered, "I don't know."

"Listen to me, Mardil," said Anakron, turning Mardil's head with his staff and looking him in the eye. "The rescue was either the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do. If it was wrong, then you were lacking in wisdom when you rescued Alli. If it was right, then you are lacking in nobility when you say you might not have rescued someone else."

Mardil turned away and began to load his ten spare tires into his vehicle. Anakron put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Either way, you have fallen from what you once were. I realize that fate has been cruel, but if you let it make you less than what you should be, your enemies have triumphed."

------------

Mardil shifted the car into drive. As the shifter clicked into place, a tremor ran through Mardil's body. He watched in fascination as his skin began changing to a grayish green. His hair became dark and course, and his ears grew points. "Well, I guess that answers the question about orc ears," he said to the cameraman in the passenger seat as he pulled out of the parking lot. A yellow BBC van followed him.

"Grand Anakronist!" said Lûgnût. "Mardil is going the wrong way."

"I'm sure he knows what he's doing," said Anakron.