[the phantom]

Mardil glanced quickly at the newcomer. "Panakeia, wasn't it?" Panakeia nodded. "We have a bit of a situation here," he continued. "From what I can piece together from Sai's information and the chatter we've heard over that security guard's radio, a balrog burst up through a recording stage and snatched Alli."

"Oh, that's horrible!" Panakeia exclaimed.

"Yes, it really is most unfortunate," agreed Mardil. "I hope she can talk the beast into letting her go. But in the meantime, you two need to get down to the recording studio and prepare to put on the worst performance in history. Right now they have an official document that requires Sai, Alli, and I to negotiate a contract. If we ignore that and make a run for it, we will have RCA thugs on our tails from here to Ithilien, and that simply won't do. We need to negotiate a contract immediately."

"But once we're signed we will be required to record an album, so we won't be any better off!" objected Sai.

"Yes, and so obviously we need to get them to break the contract," said Mardil.

"But how?"

"I've already got the RCA president to agree to let me help write our contract from scratch. I will include cunning clauses in our contract that will keep RCA from having any say about what we say in our songs. Essentially, they will have to back anything so long as we're under contract. Also, I will demand to be paid hourly, meaning that they will have to pay us for every minute we are around. That way, we don't get any guaranteed payoff, and thus it will be beneficial for them to dissolve our contract as soon as they possibly can once they have a reason to. After the contract is signed, we will go down to the studio and begin recording songs like 'RCA sucks' and 'We Hate RCA' and they will have to either pay us to record those songs or rip up the contract. Which one do you think they will do? Mwu ha ha!"

"That's brilliant and all, but what about Alli?" asked Sai.

"I hope she finds some way to escape while we are busy getting free of our contract," answered Mardil.

"Wait... you mean..." stammered Sai in shock, "you're going back into the office to negotiate instead of helping Alli?"

"It's possible that we won't have time to rescue her," said Mardil coolly. "Our first priority is getting to Edge-Where. It would be foolish to lose our chance of escape to go looking for Alli. I don't know about you, but I want to get out of Mordor more than I want to risk injury in rescuing a girl I only met a few hours ago."

"You are so self centered, Mardil!" shouted Sai.

"I didn't say that you couldn't try and rescue her. Go right on ahead. Be a foolish hero."

"So, you really are willing to ditch her?! She's a decent enough girl that I bet she'd try and save you! Why, I'd-" Sai stopped in mid sentence. "What is it Mardil?"

The look on Mardil's face had suddenly changed from flustered to devious. "Wait for me down in the studio where Alli was kidnapped," Mardil said with a half grin.

"Why? What are-"

"Don't worry, just do it. I'll be down shortly," said Mardil quickly as he turned and walked back towards the president's office.

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"Well, I think that just about does it," said Raymond Celeborn Adderly X (aka Mr. RCA, president of RCA).

"Yes, this contract is almost satisfactory," agreed Mardil. "All it needs now is something about liability in work related accidents- you know, just the usual fine print that pretty much never gets used. But to make this thing completely official, we'd better include it."

"Oh, of course," said Mr. RCA. "The more official, the better! So how should this be worded?"

Mr. RCA's secretary typed as Mardil dictated. "RCA security is responsible for protecting occupants of the RCA building, and so in the event that Mardil or any of his musical minions are injured or kidnapped while on RCA property, all contracts with Mardil and Co will immediately become null and void. In addition, RCA will be required to use whatever means Mardil deems necessary to correct the lapse in security that resulted in the injury or kidnapping." Mardil turned to Mr. RCA. "Sound like good fine print to you?"

"Yes, yes, of course. Now bring that thing here for me to sign- and then you sign it."

"With pleasure!" said Mardil, handing Mr. RCA the contract.

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"It's Mardil!" shouted Panakeia to Sai upon spotting him running down the hall towards the recording stage.

Sai joined Panakeia at the door. "Are you done negotiating?" asked Sai as Mardil entered. Mardil winked at her.

"I'm not only done negotiating," answered Mardil, "I've already managed to get the contract cancelled. Two minutes after Mr. RCA signed it, a security guard burst into the room and announced that Alli had been kidnapped by a balrog. The way I wrote up the contract, RCA is liable and must release us from the contract as well as help us put the situation back in order, no matter what the cost."

Sai and Panakeia noticed that the floor was rumbling.

"The balrog must be coming back!" screamed Panakeia.

"I think not!" said Mardil, who looked quite pleased with himself.

As he finished speaking, ten huge tanks burst through the far wall and stopped. The hatch on the tank closest to the stage opened and an orc in camo gear emerged. "Ready for orders, Master Mardil!"

"What in the world is this?" asked Sai.

Mardil chuckled. "Like I said, RCA is required to right the wrong, and so I made them pay to have a little tank division come and help us rescue Alli."

"That's wonderful!"

"Yes, and I made sure that RCA hired a tank division based out of Edge-Where. That way, after we have Alli, we can simply ride back with them. Now let's go!"

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"There's a balrog, dead ahead, sir!" shouted the driver of the lead tank- the one Mardil, Sai, and Panakeia were in.

"Don't fire yet! I've been told it has a hostage. What's it doing?" asked the orc commander as the tanks roared through the last bit of tunnel before the large cavern where the balrog was seated.

"The balrog is sitting next to the hostage, sir! I think it just spotted us!"

"Shoot it before it grabs the hostage!"

"Yes sir!"

Mardil, who couldn't see what was going on, popped the top hatch open and peeked out. He saw the main cannon fire and score a hit to the balrog's midsection as he reached to grab Alli. The impact knocked the balrog back into the wall of the cavern.

"Fire again!" yelled the commander. Then he climbed up beside Mardil to get a better look and radioed to the other tanks. "Tanks Two and Three, fire everything you have at that fiery devil! Four, Five, and Six, you guys get between the hostage and balrog and stand your ground! Seven, Eight, and Nine, you guys hold the entrance so the balrog doesn't follow us out of here! Ten- follow us!"

Guns blazing, the tanks shot out full speed into the cavern. When the lead tank got close to Alli, Mardil jumped off. "This is so stupid!" thought Mardil as he flew through the air. "You should've let one of the orcs do this part. It's dangerous." But Mardil knew he wouldn't have it any other way. When there was a delicious damsel in distress, he simply had to be the one to rescue her.

Mardil hit the ground with a roll and leaped up. He then grabbed Alli and threw her over his shoulder. The balrog, enraged by his injuries, leaped at Mardil, but Mardil dodged to the side and took off running towards the lead tank which had turned around and was now pointed back out of the cavern. The balrog chased after them, but Mardil had a trick up his sleeve. With his free hand, he drew a throwing knife that he had prepared while in the tank and threw it at the balrog's thigh. It pierced the beast and, as Sai and Panakeia watched through a gunner's slit on the tank, the balrog's leg began turning a bluish color. One of the tanks let loose a shot at the injured leg, and it shattered like ice and the balrog fell to the ground.

The orc commander helped Mardil onto the tank and yelled into his radio, "Fall out! All tanks fall out!" Then he turned to Mardil. "Wow, that was really something! What did you do to that knife, anyway?"

"Oh, it was nothing," said Mardil, pretending to be modest. "As you can see, I have all sorts of little vials and such on my belt. They're all for coating my throwing knives, and each one of them is different. Some of them have poisons that kill quickly while some just paralyze. But the one I used for that monster was this vial of concentrated cold virus. It works particularly well on spirits of fire."

The orc clapped Mardil on the back and shook his hand. "Well, that was nicely done! And now, Lord Mardil, we'll just turn up that side tunnel there, and in four minutes or so we will come out of a hole right in Edge-Where's central park."