[Oddwen]

For the Bilbo pic:

B: There I was at the mercy of three monstrous...is he looking? Please, you've got to help me! I'm being held captive in my own hole by a mad naked Wizard!

Or...

B: Whaat? Whaaat? You not put mushroomps in zoup? Why you not put mushroomps in zoup? I ask-a you to put mushroomps in zoup, you not put mushroomps in zoup. What, you zink all I do all day is put mushroomps in zoup?

Or...

Bilbo: Doesn't anyone here speak a word of Westron?!?

Child: Klaatu Barada Niktau.

Children: *giggle*

Or...

B: And then they Sent me to Mordor! I ask you, is that fair?

Or...

Bilbo the Conductor gets increasingly frustrated with his musicians.

Or...

Bilbo the Evil Sorcerer calls from the ground his Army of Death!

Or...

Bilbo the Mime pretends to lift a cauldron of beer to his lips!

Or (to play off Hooky)...
B: Yes yes, I'll have your money, just give me a few days! What? My...my table of food? But...but...take anything, just not my table of food!

Or...

B: Nothing up my sleeve...

Or...

B: A little shake, a few magic words, lalla ralla balla bam!! Your penny is gone!
Small child: I want my penny! MOMMIE! HE STOLE MY PENNY!

Or...

B: I'm telling you, they don't make 'em like that anymore!

Or...

B: Okay, here's what you do...go to the fireworks cart, find the biggest firework, and meet me outside the party grounds at oh, ninteen hundred.

Or...

B: I'm making you guys the deal of a lifetime! For a limited time, you can get *two* Rings of Power for the price of one, with free shipping! As seen on Palantiri!

Or...

B: I tell you what I want in a woman, I want a stomach this big!

Or...maybe I should stop.