[Feanor of the Peredhil]

I didn't get far before giving it up as a bad job.

Originally Posted by scrapped death scene

The guards had reached Romenna some hours before. Khônarû sat beside the unconscious body of Kâthaanî Karibzir with his face in his hands. Though healers, the best of the Faithful, had attended her and checked on her religiously, she seemed to respond to nothing. One stood over her now, an elderly woman with flowing white locks. Kâthaanî's breath was steady, but it was slow. Her face was pale and her hands were cold as ice. She had stopped bleeding, but she had lost much blood in the process. Khônarû dreaded the arrival of Mabalar and his lady. The healer came to him now, touching his shoulder lightly. Wordlessly he stood and followed the small woman from the room.

Her blue eyes shone bright with hidden tears as she spoke to him. He appreciated her stark honesty. Several moments later, he returned to his post. As the hours passed, all signs of life disappeared from her face, leaving an empty shell where before, a lovely lass had lain. He murmered a prayer for her as her breath slowed to a stop. Lightening lit the otherwise dark room for a moment. Somewhere in the distance, a dog howled. Khônarû wept silently as the girl's body was covered by solemn attendants.

It doesn't feel right at all, and I don't know what to do to fix it. If I use it, I want it to be just right, and this isn't, not even in a still-needs-work sort of way, and I don't know why. It's frustrating.