[Lalwendë]

Orcs taste like mystery meat, the sort that is commonly served up in kebab vans outside the Green Dragon on Friday nights. The young Hobbits who are tanked up to the tips of their slightly pointy ears on high strength ale feel compelled to eat it, but likewise, they are also compelled to drown said mystery meat in chilli sauce.

Balrogs are a bit like Turkey. During the Yule festivities Hobbit mums go and buy Balrog joints to serve up for the family festivities, together with roast taters and sprouts they have had on the boil for a week or two. However, as Balrog meat is so cheap, it has lately been used to make cheap, oven ready food products sold to the kitchens of Hobbit schools in the form of Balrog Twizzlers. Famed young Buckland chef, Jamie Oliver-Baggins recently got himself into the news for bringing the poor nutritional value of Balrog Twizzlers to the attention of the Shire. As a result, the Mayor has seen to it that they are banned from Hobbit schools.

Giant spiders like Shelob have quite a complex taste I hear. Though these days instead of using them for their meat, their fangs are being milked owing to the supposedly good bacteria found in them. Said spider milk, which has a brown colour, is being marketed in Gondor as Yakoliant, though many remain sceptical as to its beneficial properties.