Frodo, Sam and Gollum pull themselves up over the edge of the causeway and see Minas Morgul. It glows green in the darkness.
Gollum: The dead city. Very nasty place. Full of . . .
Sam: Dead?
Gollum: No! Don’t be a Legolasss! It’s full of politicians.
Sam: Must be that old Senate chamber Gandalf told us about. Don’t you agree, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: The motion is quashed! Senate Bill 3019 . . .
Gollum: Don’t be silly, master, imitating politicians. Let’s go!
Gollum approaches the City, followed by Frodo and Sam.
Gollum: Quick, quick, they will see! They will see!
Sam: This close . . . ya think?
Gollum leads them to the cliff-face on the North side of the Morgul vale.
Gollum: Come away! Come away! Look! We have found it. The way into Mordor. The secret stair. Climb.
Sam: It’s not that secret.
They look up to see an impossibly steep stair carved into the cliff face.
Sam: It’s just that nobody would be stupid enough to go that way.
Frodo turns back to the city. He stumbles toward it, past a pair of Silent Watchers and down the causeway toward the city.
Sam: No! Mister Frodo! If this way’s stupid, then that way’s for Pippin!
Pippin (
from far away): HEY!!!
Gollum: Not that way!
Sam and Gollum scramble to catch Frodo.
Gollum: What's it doing?
Sam: No! He’s trying to pass new tax cuts!
Sam and Gollum begin to pull him back toward the stair.
Frodo: They're calling me.
Gollum: No! No more tax cuts! Sauron thrives on budget deficits!
Just as they reach the stairs, a great flare goes up from Minas Morgul.
Flash to Gandalf and Pippin and then to a group of Gondorian soldiers surprised by the flare.
Gondor Gary: If that ain’t a presage of impending doom, I don’t know what that is.
Pippin: I dunno . . . someone farted?
Gollum: Hide! Hide!
Gollum and the hobbits hide on the stair.
The Witch King on his fell beast flies up and perches above the city gate. The Witch King gives a long, piercing shriek. Frodo groans.
Frodo: I can feel his blade cutting off my pork barrel!
The fell beast bellows and the gates open. The Orc army marches out, followed by hordes of Faramir fangirls.
Gandalf: We come to it at last. The great drool-fest of our time.
In Minas Morgul the army marches over the causeway and past the hobbits. The stair hides the hobbits from their view. But as the fangirls walk past the hobbits’ position, they suddenly stop.
Faramir_is_a_hottie: *
sniff sniff*
Faramir4evr: What is it? What do you smell?
Faramir_is_a_hottie: Puppy dog eyes.
Faramir4evr: But nobody’s hotter than Faramir!
All the fangirls: *
SCREEECH!!!*
As they march on, the Witch King shrieks and flies over the causeway toward the mouth of the vale.
Gollum: Come away hobbits. We climb, we must climb!
Gandalf: The board is set. The pieces are moving.
Pippin: I wanna be the bishop.
Gandalf:
I better make sure Denethor doesn’t send his son to fight. He’ll be mauled.