[Maeggaladiel]

Well, first I would throw out the Watcher in the Water, for obvious reasons. (Later we'll lure him back using Frodo as bait. Then we'll catch him and make beer-battered squid rings for dinner. See? MY crew won't be fed entirely on lembas!)

Then, I'm afraid Galadriel would have to go. There's only room for one psychotic elf woman on board, and that's me. Anyway, I'm sure the Barrow Wight can pick her up on his way over.

Same goes for Arwen.

Aragorn will bravely dive in after her. Well, he'll CONSIDER diving in after her, but will stop as soon as he sees that water is involved. Elrond, the future Father-In-Law, will kindly assist him (kick him in the shin until he falls in) and then conveniently forget to help him back in the boat. By this time, of course, the woman in question will have already been pulled aboard the B-W's ship with Galadriel, so Gorn is in something of a sticky situation.

After eating the squid rings, everyone will decide that they cannot stand watching Denny eat another thing, so over he goes. Faramir feels no remorse, since Dad never liked him anyway.

Frodo's constant pained monologuing gets on everyone's nerves, so he's dumped next.

Then it's Gandalf. He's constantly hitting people with his staff and calling them fools, so he basically had it coming. Oh well; he'll come back as Gandalf the Green in the sequel.

Smeagol has been trying to strangle everyone, so he's history. All we had to do is drop a ring in the sea and he went crazy. We didn't even have to throw him.

Sauron goes next because he's been staring at everyone and it's really creepy. Getting him over the side was something of a trick, since no one can touch a flaming eye. Eventually we got the balrog to roll him over the side. Unfortunately, he fell over with him in the process (well, actually Gandalf came back up for a second and we all know what happens when those two get together.) so we lost two people for the price of one.

Well, they sacrificed their lives for a worthy cause. My crew and I had a moment of silence for them. Then we changed course to Disco Mania and spent the rest of the afternoon shakin' it with the Disco King. We promptly used the rest of our money to buy a larger boat... wait... *slap*