[Beanamir of Gondor]

Anybody ever read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? I was thinking, why hasn't anyone written up an amateur version of the Hitchhiker's Guide to Middlearth? Such entries to it would include:

the Shire: Great place for hitchhikers who love smoking, feasting, drinking, and general merriment. Run by a bunch of tiny little guys with hairy feet and big ears. Warning: Don't wear a pointy hat, or you'll instantly be labelled as a tourist, and what's more, a disturber of the peace. See also Hobbit, Baggins, Brandybuck, Gamgee, Took, and Pipe-Weed.

Or how about:

Balrog: Very grumpy sort of creature that lives underground, specifically in the Moria Caves. You'll probably want to wet your ever-helpful towel and cover your face with it, so that the fumes coming off of its fiery body. The best way to kill a Balrog is to throw it off of a cliff, stab it, drown it, chase it, and then stab it again. You'll turn white and be revered by your fellow hitchhikers if you ever accomplish a task such as this. See also Moria, Gandalf, Udun, and Balin.