About chapters: this is a general question and not one that need be answered here.
The main headings at least seem all right to me. But some of the proposed subheadings will be quite long and others quite short. It seems odd to me to prefer this because making the Great Tales "chapters" would result in disproportionality.
RD-EX-40
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But is “did we have husbanded” grammatically correct?
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No. That's why I suggested "did we husband" - as it really must be.
The second part of this still doesn't quite work:
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and we desire that this should be the most marvellous ornament that the Earth has seen, and the greatest of the works of Elves and Dwarves. Therefore {we}[you] beg {of thee to let} us{ have}[to take] that Silmaril that thou treasurest, that it may shine wondrously amid the {Nauglafring}[Nauglamír], the Necklace of the Dwarves.’>
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The 'therefore' isn't logical anymore. Also, the Dwarves' last sentence has little point and sounds strange.
I think there is a real danger in getting into very detailed alterations to individual sentences like this. It becomes very difficult to say for sure what is satisfactory and what is not. This passage has a certain function in the context of the original tale - the Dwarves are here asking, with guile, that Thingol yield the Silmaril to them so that they can make the Nauglafring. We have altered that context completely - now it is not an act of guile at all, and indeed Thingol has already given them the Silmaril, and he's done it of his own accord. To try at all costs to retain the passage, even in the new and very different context, by changing it's whole purport seems a dubious proposition to me. That's why I am inclined to err on the side of deleting rather than changing. My first choice, to be honest, would still be to replace the whole passage with a simple statement that they brought forth the Nauglamir.
RD-EX-36.5
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But can you understand my reason for clinging to the passage? If so, here it might be one of the few places were the text of Sil77 might be helpful
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This emendation does seem to work, and I suppose I can live with the '77 here.
RD-EX-22 and RD-EX-24
Ah, yes - I did accidentally not delete 'and curse by'.
RD-SL-10: I am in agreement with Findegil's last proposal here.