[The Saucepan Man]

Bêthberry’s gum had worked wonders, and in no time the Saucepan Man had felt much better. He had busied himself all day talking to the party guests, helping himself to the food (Macaroni Cheese was a particular favourite of his), and drinking a pale orange cordial poured from another of the kettles strewn about him. Spying Lush sunning herself, he had sensibly decided that discretion was the better part of valour and headed in the opposite direction. Perhaps a re-match would be in order later, but for now he thought it best to keep a clear head.

Luckily his intermittent deafness, the result of too much clattering and clanking close to his ears, had shielded him from the Barrow-Wight’s song, although it also meant that he had missed the announcement of the theft of the Wight’s mathom gifts. So he had remained oblivious to the comings and goings of the brawny and beorny security guards and the gaggle of shifty-looking Hobbit children. The fact that one of them had bright green hair did not surprise him in the least, given the odd assortment of guests merry-making in the early summer sun.

By and bye, Saucepan came across Kransha, the Orc whose company he had enjoyed so much the previous night. The fearsome but civilised fellow introduced him to his companions. A young lady by the name of Roa. And a fellow even more fearsome than the Orc himself who was introduced as Fordim Hedgethistle. He was shrouded in darkness and surrounded by a shadow which seemed to reach out across the Party Field like two vast wings. Whether they were in fact wings and, if so, whether they were capable of supporting flight, Saucepan could not tell. But despite Fordim’s intimidating appearance, they fell into conversation and Saucepan noted how he bristled with fire whenever he became animated. Soon others had joined the discussion, and Saucepan began to find himself ensorcelled by it, so much so that he felt as though he might never escape.

But, as dusk began to fall, Saucepan judged that the time had come for his tribute and reluctantly he made his excuses and left. He made straight for a tent, the many coloured decorations of which might be described as sïcadhélic in the Elven tongue. On the side of the tent was painted a tableaux depicting Barrow-Downs luminaries, old and new. Entering, he approached four Hobbits dressed in colourful military uniforms of pink, blue, orange and green respectively, who were hard at work practising on their instruments.

“The time has come,” he said to them, and they nodded in acknowledgement.

In no time, the four Hobbits, Jonwise, Perripaul, Geordimac and Bingo by name, had set themselves up on one of the empty stages. Bingo sat behind a large drum-kit consisting entirely of kitchen implements, while the other three stood ready with their guitars at the front of the stage.

“One – two – three – four,” said Jonwise and, all of a sudden, the air was filled with the electric sound of their twanging guitars. Then Perripaul began to sing.

It was but a year ago today,
That Sergeant Saucy taught the band to play
They’ve been going in and out of posts
But they’re guaranteed to please the ghosts.
So may I introduce to you
The act you’ve not seen since last year,
Sergeant Saucy’s Barrow Downs Club Band.

We’re Sergeant Saucy’s Barrow Downs Club Band,
We hope that it’s a great party,
We’re Sergeant Saucy’s Barrow Downs Club Band,
For the Downs’ anniversary.
Sergeant Saucy’s Barrow, Sergeant Saucy’s Barrow,
Sergeant Saucy’s Barrow Downs Club Band.

It’s wonderful to be here,
It’s certainly a thrill.
It’s such a lovely website,
We like to type our posts all night,
We love to type our posts.

I don’t really want to stop the show,
But I thought you might like to know,
That the Saucepan’s going to sing a song,
And he wants you all to sing along.
So may I introduce to you
The shiny noisy Saucepan Man
And Sergeant Saucy’s Barrow Downs Club Band.

At this, the Saucepan Man jumped noisily up on to the stage, while the Hobbit combo intoned his name. As the tune changed, he started to sing.

What would you do if typed the wrong key,
Would you log off and shut down on me.
Lend me your screens and I’ll type you a post,
Of Tolkien’s Canonicity.

Oh, I get by with a little help from the Downs,
Mm, I know why with a little help from the Downs,
Mm, gonna try with a little help from the Downs.

Where can I talk about Peregrine Took,
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel about films of the book,
(Are you sad because you’re on your own)

No, I get by with a little help from the Downs,
Mm, I know why with a little help from the Downs,
Mm, gonna try with a little help from the Downs.

Do you need any website,
I need a site I can love.
Could it be any website,
I want a site I can love.

Would you believe that the Books can inspire,
Yes I see it every time I’m on-line.
What do you see when you look in the Shire,
I can tell you of stories so fine.

Oh, I get by with a little help from the Downs.
Mm, I know why with a little help from the Downs,
Oh, I’m gonna try with a little help from the Downs.

Do you need any website,
I need a site I can love.
Could it be any website,
I want a site I can love.

Oh, I get by with a little help from the Downs,
Mm, gonna try with a little help from the Downs,
Oh, I know why with a little help from the Downs,
Yes, I get by with a little help from the Downs.

With a little help from the Downs.

As the chords of the song died away, the Saucepan Man turned to the Wight’s barrow, raised his kettle, and shouted, “To the Downs! Happy fourth anniversary, and here’s to many more years yet to come!”