Quote:
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What's wrong with the Battle of Helms Deep???????
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Well, it's stinkin' too long, the tone's all wrong, it's entirely focused on the wrong characters...I could go on and on.
(from Menel)
*tosses Boromir off wall*
*Boromir lands on Uruk spear, dies, causes Random Orc #576 to fall over and die*
URUKS: *attack*
THEODEN: *slaps self in face*
(/Menel)
*Boromir miraculously appears by Aragorn with a puzzled look on his face*
Aragorn: I told you you talked to Pippin too much! *To the interloper elves* Tangado a chadad! (Everybody, tango! Cha-cha!)
*the interlopers look at each other and shrug. They then notch their arrows and aim.*
Leggy: Faeg i-varv dīn na lanc a nu ranc. (Cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored)
Aragorn: Leithio i plbll, phhlblll, philinn! (Look! I have a caterpillar's lips!)
*the interlopers laugh so hard they can't hold their bowstrings. A surprisingly effective volley is fired.*
Gimli(to Leggy): Did they hit anything?
Legs: Cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored...
Theoden: Give them the valley.
Gamling: What?
Theoden: Oh er, did I say that out loud? I meant "a volley".
Gamling(to the men): Fire!
The Men: AHH!
Gamling: No! Fire your arrows!
One-Eyed-Creepy-Dude-Named-Alfonse: Fire!
*The men do so. It is useless, as more Uruks take the place of any fallen. It is as Elrond foretold: DOOM.*
Aragorn(to the interlopers behind the wall): Ribed bant! (I am wearing courderoy pants!)
Interlopers: Durrr...
Gimli: Send them to me! There is one dwarf yet in Helm's Deep who still draws pretty pictures!
*the Uruks are partially successful in their attempts to make Helm's Deep more canonical, and several interlopers fall towards their death. Meanwhile, other Uruks put into place ladders that would have been many the envy of Wilhelm, one of the fallen interlopers who happened to be a ladder maker, had he not currently been dead.*
Ar: Pendraith! (Extra spicy hot sauce [in my] cheeto-fried brain!)
Leggy: CENSORED censored censored...
Gimli: Ooh, good one!
Ar: Swords! Swords!
*in a move that would have been the envy of any boyband infecting a stage, the interlopers simultaneously draw their swords with a "swoooosh!" However, their puny defense will be useless, considering the big honkin' ugly ladders that are currently carrying their less formidable cargo towards the wall*
*And so the hand-to-hand combat begins! Or is it claw-to-long-slender-hand? Or maybe...nevermind*
Gim: Ohhh, poncy elf-princeling!
Leg: CENCORED what?!?
Gim: I've got two already!
Leg: You interrupt me to tell me that?? Forget killing Uruks, leave Aragorn for me!
Gim: *ulp* *absentmindedly whacks Bob-the-Uruk in a nasty spot*
*Unfortunately, that Orc was played by a totally innocent contest winner. Bummer for him, eh?*
Ara(currently swashing swaths through Uruk fields): Rahh! Hrahhh! Ahhh!
Uruks: The greasy hair man! Run away!
*Meanwhile, nobody was watching the gate...*
Theoden: Oh, look! We have a visitor! Make sure they know the password before they can come in, which is of course "Have You Eaten A Blue Smartie Lately?".
Gamling: No! Those are more Uruks!
Aragorn: Look! Hado, ahhh, JUST SHOOT 'EM! I don't think anybody listens to me anyway, why should they? I'm just a little ol' lost kingy, nobody listens to the lost kingies, do they? Naw, they just expect me to wander the wild and babysit for some fat hairy farmers while the big guys are off doing important stuff, no time for a poor lost kingie...
All Within Earshot: Shut up!
*Meanwhile, the interlopers have fired a volley with their wimpy little arms. They do manage to fell some, but not enough, Uruks and they make their laborious way upwards towards the gate*
Theoden(oblivious): What, is this it? C'mon Saruman, you can do better than this! Surely the White Wizard isn't afraid of great and mighty Rohan, is he? Is he crying for his mommie at this moment?
Gamling: *sob* Noo...
Theoden: I DEFY YOU, you mama's-boy-Istar!
Gamling: *whimper*
*Cue "Chariots of Fire" theme...*
*Meanwhile, at the culvert...orcs have been piling giant spiky balls filled with who-knows-what. An unfortunate Uruk with a torch is walking towards it*
Bob: Marco!
Uruks Nearest the Culvert: Polo!
Bob: Marco!
Voice-Throwing Ventriloquist Orc(seemingly from within the culvert): Polo!
Bob: Ha! I've got you now!
*FOOOOOOMM!*
(Blahh...that's all I've got for now...)
Oh yes, a while back I asked (demanded, actually) the last scene. I no longer remember what I was going to do, and if someone wanted to do that, go ahead.