[The Saucepan Man]

Standing on the stage, Saucepan managed to attract Eruanna's attention and beckoned her over. As he whispered in her ear, she smiled and produced her paper and comb.

Saucepan cleared his throat and spoke into the microphone, nervously eyeing a large dragon that was hovering near the bar.

“Ahem. Some of you may have heard of Sergeant Saucepan’s Barrow Downs Club Band.”

There was some disinterested muttering from the guests assembled around the Hall. Saucepan ploughed on regardless.

“Unfortunately they cannot be with us tonight, but I would like to give a humble rendition of their latest ditty. In their place, Eruanna will accompany me on the paper and comb.”

He cleared his throat once again and began singing into the microphone in a voice that was not entirely dissimilar to a Goblin Imp (whatever that may be) being strangled with pianowire.

(To the tune of Penny Lane)

On Barrow Downs there is a Member reading highlights,
Of every thread he's had the pleasure to have known.
And all the spirits that come and go
Stop and say hello.

In the Forum there’s a Newbie with a question,
On Bombadil or Beorn or actor’s worth.
But the Newbie never does a search.
See the thread unfurl. Bye bye Sqwerl.

The Barrow Downs is on my screen and in my head.
There beneath the black and orange threads,
I type, and meanwhile back

In the Books there is a scholar with a theory
On Rings and Elven immortality.
She likes to talk of Eucatastrophe,
And Norse mythology.


Paper and comb solo

The Barrow Downs is on my screen and in my head.
Balrog wings and Sexual Ed
for Hobbits, meanwhile back

Upon the Downs in the Middle Earth Mayhem,
The Disco King is dancing every night and day.
And tho' Boromir’s in his grave,
We all do the wave!

Barrow Downs, the scholar quotes another Letter,
We see the Newbie now has quickly settled in.
Then a fangirl rushes in
From an Orli site, Oh, what a fright!

The Barrow Downs is on my screen and in my head.
There within the black and orange threads,
I type, and meanwhile back

The Barrow Downs is on my screen and in my head.
There within the black and orange threads,

Barrow Downs.

Saucepan and Eruanna finished the song and looked up expecting the rapturous applause that would surely follow. Unfortunately, they had to make do with the few isolated hand claps punctuated by nervous silence that did in fact follow.

Oblivious, Saucepan picked up his teacup from the front of the stage, where he had left it, and raised it in a toast.

“TO THE BARROW-WIGHT AND THE BARROW DOWNS. HAPPY DEATHDAY!” he exclaimed happily.

The Grand Hall erupted.

“HAPPY DEATHDAY!” the crowd roared.

The music started up again and the party-goers thronged to the dance floor, as Saucepan and Eruanna returned to the proceedings.

[ May 01, 2003: Message edited by: The Saucepan Man ]