[Diamond18]

Meanwhile, in a therapy office far, far away on the other side of town, well removed from this madness...

Therapist D: "Vell, vhat do ve have here? Hobbits! Four hobbbits!"

Frodo: "Um...excuse me, but I just dropped in to ask directions. I need to know...Mordor, is it left or right?"

Therapist D: "Vell, that depends. Do you vant to get to Mordor or avoid it?"

Frodo: "I want to get there."

Therapist D: "Veeeell, that is very interesting indeed. Vhy do you vant to get there?"

Frodo: "Oh, no, I see what you're up to. Nobody rents space in my mind, do you hear? I just want directions, plain and simple. I ask, you tell."

Therapist D: "But today I am having a sale: a group therapy session, 4 for the price of 1. Vould you and your furry little friends like to participate?"

Samwise: "Now, look here, Mr. Frodo has a mission, and nobody is going to get in our vay...in mean way..."

Pippin: "Yes, we're on a very important mission...quest...thing..."

Therapist D: "Oh, please tell me all about it. And have some mushroom donuts...they're free."

Pippin: "All right, you talked me into it."

Therapist D: "And some nice crispy bacon."

Merry: "I'm in."

Frodo: "All right, all right. I suppose we can take a little break. Well, it all started when my parents died in a boating accident—"

Therapist D: "And how did this make you feel?"

Frodo: "Happy...I never liked them anyway."

Therapist D: "Very interesting..."

Frodo: "And so then I got to movie in with my cousin Bilbo...Mad Baggins everyone called him."

Therapist D: "Oooh, that is very interesting! How did that make you feel?"

Frodo: "I didn't think about it. I was too bust learning Elvish."

Therapist D: "Elvis?"

Frodo: "No, Elvish."

Therapist D: "You mean Elfish?"

Frodo: "NO! Elvish!"

Therapist D: "All right, all right...vhere vere ve? Ah yes...your mad cousin Bilbo..."

Frodo: "Well,to make a long story short, one day he disappeared, and left me all his possessions."

Therapist D: "And how did that make you feel?"

Frodo: "Rich. Now, a few year passed, and Gandalf came by—"

Therapist D: "Gandalf?"

Frodo: "Yes, Gandalf. He's a Wizard. Now—"

Therapist D: "Gandalf?"

Frodo: "Yes, I said Gandalf! You know...tall elderly chap...pointy hat!"

Therapist D: "Oh, of course. Continue, please..."

Frodo: "Anyway, Gandalf told me that the Ring that Bilbo left me was the One Ring forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom."

Therapist D: "And how did this make you feel?"

Frodo: "What do you think? I was scared. But I kept my wits about me..."

Therapist D: "And so vhat did you do?"

Frodo: "Nothing. Well, for a few years, that is. Then I set out for Rivendell, where the Elves live—"

Therapist D: "You mean the Elfs."

Frodo: "No! For the love of Eru, this is the last time! Elves! Elvish! Elven! Say it!"

Therapist D: "Elves! Elvish! Elven!"

Frodo: "Good. Now—"

Sam: "Mr Frodo, the donuts are almost gone. Are you sure you don't want one?"

Frodo: "No, no. I'm not hungry."

Sam: "But you've hardly been eating at all. Don't think I haven't noticed."

Frodo: "I said no."

Sam: "Oh...all right."

Therapist D: "Hmm...how does this rejection make you feel, Sam?"

Sam: "Like hitting you over the head with a pan."

Therapist D: "Oh, very interesting."

Pippin: "So when is the group therapy going to start? You've been talking to Frodo all this time and ignoring us."

Therapist D: "And how does that make you feel, young Took?"

Pippin: "Bored and restless. I may have to do something foolish to get your attention."

Merry: "Well, if anyone at all cares how I feel...I feel small and insignificant and lonely. Like a rag-tag-tagalong."

Therapist D: "And how does feeling that vay make you feel?"

Merry: "Like stabbing you in the knee."

Pippin: " 'Oops', I set your drapes on fire. Heheh."

Frodo: "Can we get back to my extremely interesting story?"

Therapist D: "In a minute. I have to douse my drapes."

Frodo: "Yeah, well time is wasting. I have to get to Mordor. So which way is it, left or right?"

Therapist D: "Argh! The fire is spreading...and I just burned my hand."

Frodo: "How does that make you feel?"

Therapist D: "Burnt."

Sam: "We have to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Let's do."

*They all run out into the lobby*

Pippin: "Here, I'll help you put out the fire. But you have to do one thing."

Therapist D: "And what is that?"

Pippin: "Take us south."

Therapist D: "But that vill lead you to Isengard!"

Pippin: "I know. The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It's the last thing he'll suspect."

Therapist D: "Vho?"

Pippin: "Voo?"

Therpist D: "Vho?"

Pippin: "What does 'voo' mean?"

Therapist D: "Not 'voo', vho?"

Merry: "Look, fellas, I found a map to Mordor. It's definitely 'left'."

Therapist D: "But the session isn't over, and my office is on fire."

*Sam winds up and clunks Therapist D over the head with a pan. Theapist D falls to the floor, unconcious*

Frodo: "Whew, thanks Sam. You're a lifesaver."

Merry: "No need to thank me for finding the map..."

Pippin: "Don't worry, Merry. I appreciate you. Are you going to finish that donut in your hand?"

Merry: "No, you can have it."

Frodo: "I feel better already. Let's get out of here."

*The hobbits leave, and Therapist D rises up groggily*

Therapist D: "My diagnosis is...you all need serious anger managment therapy...oy...and I have a headache..."