[Nimrothiel]

The Star Wars cracks inspired me to do this one.

Bilbo when he first meets Gollum:

Gollum: Away put your weapon, harm you I will not.

Bilbo: Sorry, it's just that I'm lost and I didn't know if there was anything dangerous around here.

Gollum: Ah yes, dangerous can the unknown be. Yet why here are you?

Bilbo: I'm ah-looking for someone.

Gollum: Looking, are you? Found someone you have.

*does Yoda laugh*

Bilbo: Look, can you just show me the way out of here?

Gollum: No, no, complete training first you must.

Bilbo: Huh? What training? I just wanna get out of here!

Gollum: In too much of a hurry, you are. Show you nothing I will, if training do you not complete.

Bilbo: What kind of training?

Gollum: Catch fish, how to.

Bilbo: THAT'S your all-important training?!! How to catch fish?! Forget it, I'll find my own way out!

(Leaves, going the wrong way)

Gollum: Wait! Right way you are not going!

(No response)

Gollum: Come back must you, help you will I.

(Pause, sudden high, shrill shriek; silence)

Gollum (shakes head): Foolish were you, trained you should have. Lonely would I be, yet Precious I still have.

(Goes to hut, looks around)

Gollum: Lost it is! Precious lost I have!
Thief were you, foolish one! Thief, thief, you I hates! You I hates forever!!!

(Runs out of hut, jumps into boat and heads for shore, hears a funny noise, looks up to see Luke's X-Wing plummet down on him)

Gollum: Aarrgh!

(Luke gets out and looks around)

Luke: Artoo, I told you to make a left at Alderan!

Artoo: Bo-dee whip rrk rrk hmmm.