[Inderjit Sanghera]

Sam: No Mr Frodo I don’t find you remotely sexually attractive.

Sam: Mr Frodo, you really are a twerp!

Gandalf: I’ve found the ring Elrond! The one ring!
Elrond: *Yawns* Tell that to someone who gives a damn!

*Saruman and Sauron are having a conversation In the Palantir*

Saruman: * In girly tone of voice* Hi ya loverboy!
Sauron: * In Pierce Brosnan voice* Well, hello. Umm, you’re looking very fine today!
Saruman: Not looking to shabby yourself. I just brought a new dress from that Versace shop. Does my bum look big in this new dress? *Twirls around*
Sauron: Oh, yum, yum. You know how I think you’ve got a GREAT body Saruman. Personally, I think you look better in many colours rather then white!
*Saruman peers into the Palantir* Saruman: Wait, who’s that moving in the background on your bed?
Sauron: That’s err….errr… the err…plumber.
Saruman: Wait a minute, that’s Shagrat isn’t it? You ******* ! You told me you wouldn’t cheat on me any more! You told me you loved me! *Sobs*
Sauron: Er…yeah, about that, you’re dumped. Shagrat makes me feel wanted! He doesn’t just use me for the sex! He makes me feel like a man! HE loves me!
Shagrat: Yeah, that’s right sharku! Sauron’s my man now! *Pinches Sauron’s bum*
Sauron: *Giggles* Oh, Shagrat, you’re such a flirt!
Saruman: but…but… My love! I’ll change! I can’t live without you!
Sauron: O shut up, you little tart! And by the way, I want all my things back, including my ‘ABBA’ collection. I’ll be sending Khamul over immediately. Don’t get me wrong, you were good for a while and we had a real special thing going, but Shagrat makes me feel special!
Saruman: *In a huff* Well, marry him then!
Sauron: *In a low tone of voice* Well, I’m thinking about proposing to him, but I need to get a really special ring to propose to him! So I’m thinking of getting that ring that I lost a few thousand years ago. You know the one that caused all that huzzah!
Saruman: *Rubs his hands together* Oh we’ll see about that! Yes we will! Mwahahahahah! With the one ring , then Sauron will have no choice but to marry me and love me! Yes, you’ll be mine Sauron! All mine! *Laughs Manically*
*Gandalf enters the room*
Gandalf: You cannot use material things like the ring to make Sauron love you Saruman. He has to love you for what you are and who you are. The love between Shagrat and Sauron is pure and beautiful, I will not let you disrupt that!
Saruman: Why yes Gandalf you’re right! Who wants world domination and Sauron when I’ve got all I want right here, in front of me! *Stares at Gandalf longingly and rips off white dress* Oh take me now Gandalf!
Gandalf: I THOUGHT I made myself clear in Valinor Saruman! I don’t want you!
*Saruman puts his clothes back on* Saruman: Oh why doesn’t anybody want me? Will I always be unloved?
* Suddenly Grima Wormtounge walks in the room* Grima: I love you master!
Saruman: What? But I thought you were with Eowyn!
*Wormtounge grimaces* Wormtounge: Uh, I dumped that broad! I felt that she was cramping my style!
Saruman: Oh Wormtounge! Wormtounge: Oh ,Saruman!
*They run to each other and meet in the middle of the room and kiss*
Saruman: I’ve loved you since the first time I glanced upon your beauty!
*Suddenly Eowyn rushes into the room*
Eowyn: Oh, Wormtounge, my love! Don’t’ leave me! I can’t live without you! I don’t want to be stuck with that terrible Faramir! Yuk!
Saruman: U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, ugly, Oooh-Oooh u ugly! U ugly! Besides Wormtounge is MY man now, ain’t you dear!
Wormtounge: Of course, I always be yours.! *They walk off into the distance, with ‘Love is in the air in the background.
*Gandalf turns towards Eowyn* Gandalf: So, Eowyn…do you like err…stuff?

*Gandalf and Denethor greet each other*

Denethor: Hey, Gandalf, old buddy! Long time no see!

Gandalf: Smoke…smoke weed every day! Na-na-na-na-na! It’s that one and only G-A-N-D-A-L-F! *In the background* Gandalf!

Frodo: No Sam, I must make the trip to Mordor alone!
Sam: *Shrugs shoulders* Yeah, O.K whatever. I’ll be in Ayia Napa if you need me! Good luck!

Elrond: Frodo show everyone the ring!
*Frodo brings out the ring*
Glorfindel: Mamma Mia! It’s da ring-a!

*Gandalf has just given his speech in the ‘black speech’*
Elrond: Those words have never been spoken here before Gandalf!
Gandalf: Yeah, bloody crying shame isn’t it?

Elrond: You will be betrothed to no woman yet Aragorn!
Aragorn: What about Arwen.
Elrond: Arwen? Oh that’s a different matter! Take her!

*Sauron is having a conversation with Melkor*
Sauron: Well, Melkor ,I’ve thinking about it, and I feel that I need a image change! Say hello to Captain Nippletwister, Lord of the badgers!

*Nazgul knocks on the door, to be greeted by Frodo*
Frodo: Yes, what do you want?
Nazgul: The ring, please!
Frodo: Great, do you want fries with that?

Gollum: Hey everyone, I’m thinking about a career move form being a popstar! I’m thinking of becoming a English teacher!

Gandalf: “ Oh, good work Pippin! Ain’t you a good boy?”
Mandos: “Wassssup? Let’s Partaaaay