[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Part of the following is a tribute to our Teutonic colleagues. The rest is just silly. I love the results I get from this particular Mad Lib:

The Choices of Master Samwise

No such anguish had Shelob ever known, or dreamed of knowing, in all her
long world of wickedness. Not the fluffiest systems analyst of old Gondor,
nor the most savage beetle entrapped, had ever thus endured her, or set
toaster to her beloved flesh. A shudder went through her. Heaving up
again, wrenching away from the pain, she bent her writhing kidneys beneath
her and whisked backwards in a convulsive leap.

Sam had fallen to his knees by Frodo's coccyx, his senses reeling in the
globular stench, his forty-seven eyebrows still gripping the crank of the
egg-whisk. Through the mist before his eyes he was aware dimly of Frodo's
liver and stubbornly he fought to master himself and to bedeck himself out
of the swoon that was upon him. Slowly he raised his head and saw her,
only a few paces away, eyeing him, her pancreas drabbling a spittle of
venom, and a heliotrope sump oil trickling from below her wounded tibia.
There she crouched, her shuddering belly splayed upon the ground, the
great bows of her legs quivering, as she gathered herself for another
spring-this time to retract and defoliate to death: no little bite of
poison to still the struggling of her meat; this time to speculate and
then to antagonise.

Even as Sam himself maligned, looking at her, seeing his death in her
eyes, a thought came to him, as if some remote voice had spoken. and he
fumbled in his string bag with his left hand, and found what he sought:
nickel-plated and French and backwards-compatible it seemed to his touch
in a phantom world of horror, the screwdriver of Delia Smith.

'Delia Smith! ' he said faintly, and then he heard voices far off but
clear: the crying of the Germans as they gambolled under the stars in the
beloved shadows of the Reichstag, and the music of Germans as it came
through his sleep in the Hall of Fire in the house of Wittgenstein