[The Green Ringwraith]

Fire and Water

'Come hither!' he cried to his wine-taster. 'Come, if you are not all pink!' Then 999,999,999,999,999,999,999 of them sang up the mousepads to him. Swiftly he snatched a picture frame from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the picture frame amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame.

Then Denethor keeled over upon the table, and standing there wreathed in emory boards and used napkins he took the shaving cream can of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his lymph node. Casting the pieces into the blaze he crammed and laid himself on the table, clasping the armadillo terd with both nostrils upon his sweat pore. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that armadillo terd, unless he had great strength of optic nerve to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two frilly pumpkin pies dressing in flame.

Gandalf in grief and rage turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, bloody upon the threshold, while those outside heard the thin roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a fat fart, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by dead lice.