[The Saucepan Man]

The entire courtroom turns as one to the door as a dreadful racket is heard from just beyond. The door opens, and two burly ushers drag in a struggling figure. All that can be seen is a whirl of pots, pans and kettles as the figure is panhandled to the witness stand.

After taking a moment to collect himself, and his assorted kitchen implements, the Saucepan Man looks up and gazes round at the expectant courtroom, blinking in the glare of the court’s indignation.

Judge Lindil looks disdainfully over his spectacles and addresses the confused figure standing before him. “Saucepan Man, you have been brought here by order of this court to give evidence in the trial of Peter Jackson and his co-defendants for crimes against Tolkienity. What do you have to say?

Eventually, the Saucepan Man gathers himself sufficiently to respond. “It’s an outrage! There I was, minding my own business, polishing my preciousss TTT EE DVD. And before I know what is happening, these sons of Uruks burst into my cosy little treetop dwelling and drag me here. What is it that you want of me?”

“The court has reason to believe that you may be able to give relevant evidence as to the portrayal of the Wargs in Mr Jackson’s” and here Judge Lindil spits the word out “adaptation of the Two Towers.”

“Oh those Wargs. Well, they were nothing like I imagined them. I always saw them as large, fierce, toothy wolves, rather than Hyenas with a penchant for throwing themselves off cliffs. But that’s just me.”

“But are they canon, Mr Saucepan, are they canon?” Judge Lindil booms.

“I don’t know. You’d have to read the book. I suppose it’s open to interpretation.”

“Most unsatisfactory. I charge the Prosecutor to bring forth any and all descriptions of Wargs given in the works of Professor Tolkien. In the meantime, do you have anything else to add of relevance to these proceedings?”

The Saucepan Man takes his time to study the charge-sheet. Then, taking up the notepad and pen on the stand before him, he begins furiously to make notes. The courtroom is bathed in an expectant silence, punctuated only by the frequent clattering of pans as the Saucepan Man’s kitchenwear moves in time with his industrious activity. Eventually he looks up.

“I would like to make three motions, M’Lud,” he exclaims, a mischievous grin playing over his gnarled features.”

“Oh yes, and what are they?”

“First, I would like to move for the replacement of the judge hearing these proceedings on the basis of bias. I cite in support of my application the entirety of M’Lud’s discourse on the Barrow-Downs Film, er sorry, Movie Forum."

Judge Lindil appears to be taken aback by this, but awaits the remainder of the Saucepan Man’s submission.

“Secondly, I would like to move for a dismissal of these proceedings on the basis of procedural impropriety. The defendants have been denied a basic defence, namely artistic license. In support of this application, I would like everyone present to consider how any film of the Professor’s works might be made without some application of the said license. No screen version of the film, certainly not any version which would allow Tolkien’s vision of Middle-earth to be brought to life, could be made without artistic license in one form or another. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I would like you to consider how you would bring this incredible work to the screen, bearing in mind timing constraints and the need to recoup the massive outlay that they involved. Now consider whether the person next to you would make the same decisions. I put it to you that no one person’s version would be the same. You would all have to use artistic license. And not one of you would use it in the same way.”

At this, an excited murmuring spreads through the hallowed hall. The defendants, Jackson, Walsh and Boyens, who up until now had been gnailing and washing their teeth in despair at the circumstances in which they had found themselves, suddenly start to brighten up considerably.

“And my third motion is for a dismissal of these proceedings on the basis that the Prosecution can show no loss. In any court proceedings, whether criminal or civil, the Prosecution must show either loss or injury. I submit that no such thing can be shown here.”

“But, I cannot enjoy the films knowing that they departed from the books so,” pipes up a voice from the spectator’s gallery.

“So go back and read the books. They are still there. They have not been re-written.” replies the Saucepan Man.

“What about all those people who’s only conception of Tolkien’s works is based upon what they have seen on the screen?” shouts another.

“Well, if the films did not prompt them to look at the books, they would never have read them anyway. Is their conception of Tolkien better or worse? Better, I would say, if they enjoyed the films. If they did not, then they would not have enjoyed the books. I cannot conceive that anyone has been put off reading the books by seeing the films.”

“But what about us irate Tolkien purists?” implores yet another voice from the galleries.

“What are you irate about? Does it really affect you in any significant way? Have you really lost anything? And what about the benefits? The numerous people (my good wife included) who have found the books through watching the films. The incredible visualisation which undoubtedly (with the possible exception of the Lemming-Hyenas, ahem, Wargs) rings true to the books. I submit that the benefits of these films far outweighs any possible loss that you might come up with.”

By now, Jackson and co are grinning like Cheshire Cats at this unexpected turn of events. The courtroom is subdued and all eyes turn to the Judge for his ruling on the Saucepan Man’s bold motions.